The little girl grew....
yes..everyone is a kind of immature at the begining of everything new no matter how old he is...
But it wasn't the girl only who grew....her ghosts grew with her..
Ghosts?
What ghosts?
Do you believe in such superstitions?
Yes I do. We do them and they do us.
Wait. WHat do you mean?
Hmmmmm....well,let me put it this way
I know so many people who fear failure, because they failed before...or who have been psychologically incapable, due to how their parents treated them when they were young, or who keep searching for the one they loved in every face that meets them, because they lost in a way or another, or who comsume too much control over things, because they're perfectionists, etc..
These people were fine one day till they got through one or more experience, the experience was there to let them only learn a new life lesson and then move on and live a better life....but it wasn't the case and this is what drives me today to say that every person has psychological issues so be ware!
But what happened?
Their ghosts prevented them from living a better life...ghosts are selfish, they live and don't let live...
We go through the experience, and a tiny small ghost is born inside us, unfortunately most people are stupid enough or weaker than that tiny ghost to not kill it when it's tiny...instead we keep feeding this ghost...we feed it every single time we think about it, or surrender to it...each time the ghost grow, we look at it, turn our backs and run and it grows, we think about it being a ghost and how much we're scared of it and it grows more, we talk about our ghost and how it's affecting our lives and it grows, we escape every new encounter that might get in touch with the ghost and it grows and its confidence in itself keeps boosting till one day we find the ghost bigger and older than us...till one day the ghost is taking control and deciding for us what and what not to go for or do....
The more their ghosts grew, the harder it was to kill them, because by that time they were stronger than us and by that time our self confidence evaporated infront of the ghost and we took ghosts as a fact that we need to live with and as part of ourselves...
Which is definitly nothing but some mental adjustments...again, not to face our ghosts!
These ghosts were their fears....the fears that kept being ensured evertime we refuse to believe that the best is yet to come, when we refuse to cross the fence and we collect all our courage to jump we find that the fence got higher so we sit beside it crying telling ourselves that we shouldn't have tried, we knew we're gonna fail...and it was all the matter of being late deciding to jump!
Does anyone know what weapons we can use when our ghosts are way to big for people to kill and when they become a source of noise and constant fear?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Setting that bird free just into another cage
When the young lady told her man how much she loved him, his piercing reaction came back to her after a long period of silence by telling her "You're too emotional"
The lady was not expecting it, she sat still, her eyes kept alternating between falling on the ground and falling into his eyes...she thought she sees something different,she thought her man is keeping something from her, she thought he'll say something afterwards...but he didn't
Keeping her silence and her fear of asking any elaborating or proofing questions so not to affect her ego or her position infront of him, tying her tears right to her pride..not letting them show, seeing her dream and her heart breaking into pieces again, receiving his words with a perforated paddle that they went straight to her previuos unpleasant experiences, she couldn't feel but rejected...and how ugly it is...
Dying for a sense of acceptance, she agreed to spend some more time with him....living some extra time in her illusion, giving it one extra trial to be the girl he might want...but since then she always knew she has to let go
She left and he left...
She left thinking about his word, as she used to take all his words and wisdom as stamped right testimonials. "Am I emotional?Do I need to be less emotional and more logical?" end of the day she didn't see herself wrong or mistaken..."if I'll follow my logic, then my logic tells I'm better off without any man. But it's love on the other hand that tells me to do the impossible, to take risks and break all the rules, to bear the drawback and embrace the mistakes. It's love that enables me to stand your bad breath in the morning, your snoring while sleeping, your impatience when hungry, your bad temper when you're back from work, your helplessness at the times of pain. If it's logic, it's telling I'm better off without a man."
"Don't claim I am emotional when I don't call you twice if you don't answer, when I don't act childish when you disappear for 10 days, when I don't keep nagging when you seem to be busy, when I am not insecured if you're not around, when I don't overload you with my rights, my needs or even my dreams, when I don't act needy when I think I have opportunity and when I don't ask you to come back if you dump me"
But all this remained bottled up in her chest. Like a bird prisoned in its cage not knowing how to get out. She's been afraid she would get it out because it might hurt her man's feelings or ego or even logic...she never wanted to see his image shaken...she knew she can hurt him in so many ways, yet she never felt she wanted revenge.
She left, trying to understand and absorb what happened!What brought her here! She felt stuck between two walls, she has to dig in the walls to move on.
She gathered her heart's broken pieces, that used to love truely, trying to mend it, trying to put the pieces together...is it ever gonna be the same?will it work again?
He left and left her a great gap to draw in, lots of question marks to seek answers for, and broken pieces to fix....may be searching for some other hearts to break and taking revenge of his past that never seemed to go along with his dreams.
Years pass, and the man's role was played by the young lady that grew into a mature dead hearted woman with every single man she met...she grew into the feminin copy of him
Where would she end at?where would he end at?where would fate throw them? time goes by just to reply with the answers...
The lady was not expecting it, she sat still, her eyes kept alternating between falling on the ground and falling into his eyes...she thought she sees something different,she thought her man is keeping something from her, she thought he'll say something afterwards...but he didn't
Keeping her silence and her fear of asking any elaborating or proofing questions so not to affect her ego or her position infront of him, tying her tears right to her pride..not letting them show, seeing her dream and her heart breaking into pieces again, receiving his words with a perforated paddle that they went straight to her previuos unpleasant experiences, she couldn't feel but rejected...and how ugly it is...
Dying for a sense of acceptance, she agreed to spend some more time with him....living some extra time in her illusion, giving it one extra trial to be the girl he might want...but since then she always knew she has to let go
She left and he left...
She left thinking about his word, as she used to take all his words and wisdom as stamped right testimonials. "Am I emotional?Do I need to be less emotional and more logical?" end of the day she didn't see herself wrong or mistaken..."if I'll follow my logic, then my logic tells I'm better off without any man. But it's love on the other hand that tells me to do the impossible, to take risks and break all the rules, to bear the drawback and embrace the mistakes. It's love that enables me to stand your bad breath in the morning, your snoring while sleeping, your impatience when hungry, your bad temper when you're back from work, your helplessness at the times of pain. If it's logic, it's telling I'm better off without a man."
"Don't claim I am emotional when I don't call you twice if you don't answer, when I don't act childish when you disappear for 10 days, when I don't keep nagging when you seem to be busy, when I am not insecured if you're not around, when I don't overload you with my rights, my needs or even my dreams, when I don't act needy when I think I have opportunity and when I don't ask you to come back if you dump me"
But all this remained bottled up in her chest. Like a bird prisoned in its cage not knowing how to get out. She's been afraid she would get it out because it might hurt her man's feelings or ego or even logic...she never wanted to see his image shaken...she knew she can hurt him in so many ways, yet she never felt she wanted revenge.
She left, trying to understand and absorb what happened!What brought her here! She felt stuck between two walls, she has to dig in the walls to move on.
She gathered her heart's broken pieces, that used to love truely, trying to mend it, trying to put the pieces together...is it ever gonna be the same?will it work again?
He left and left her a great gap to draw in, lots of question marks to seek answers for, and broken pieces to fix....may be searching for some other hearts to break and taking revenge of his past that never seemed to go along with his dreams.
Years pass, and the man's role was played by the young lady that grew into a mature dead hearted woman with every single man she met...she grew into the feminin copy of him
Where would she end at?where would he end at?where would fate throw them? time goes by just to reply with the answers...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Who knows?
Too much thinking, is too much draining...if not killing
Specially when it comes to these things we have no control over
It's too good because we're not entitled to act and it's too bad because patience is not an easy task...
Who knows what tomorrow's brining? Who knows if we're gonna make it to the next minute living? Who knows the wisdom behind things occuring? Who knows what's good being arranged for us and we don't see?...are these "asprinic" questions coming out of faith?or out of helplessness?or because faith is shown the most under severe helplessness condition?is it a hope for hoping?is it self defeat?
Created a "STOP" button to stop thinking..but couldn't apply it to feeling
Created a "Drop it" button for whatever that annoys me...but it gets broken every now and then
Created a "move on" button to move on no matter what sets me back...but the application reached this stage and errors spread around everywhere
Tried to reset but it was too late...
"Application lost and hardware damaged"
Specially when it comes to these things we have no control over
It's too good because we're not entitled to act and it's too bad because patience is not an easy task...
Who knows what tomorrow's brining? Who knows if we're gonna make it to the next minute living? Who knows the wisdom behind things occuring? Who knows what's good being arranged for us and we don't see?...are these "asprinic" questions coming out of faith?or out of helplessness?or because faith is shown the most under severe helplessness condition?is it a hope for hoping?is it self defeat?
Created a "STOP" button to stop thinking..but couldn't apply it to feeling
Created a "Drop it" button for whatever that annoys me...but it gets broken every now and then
Created a "move on" button to move on no matter what sets me back...but the application reached this stage and errors spread around everywhere
Tried to reset but it was too late...
"Application lost and hardware damaged"
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A cockroach's last minutes
Dressing well means too much to me...at least more than just wearing anything I find infront of eyes in the closet before I go down by 10 minutes.
Dressing means at least knowing what I'll be wearing tomorrow at work from the night before. This happens by trying 2 or more outfits in a time till I feel comfortable of the thing I'll be wearing. Definitly it might take some more effort if where I'm going is another place than work!
That shouldn't mean I care about the outside more than the inside, it just reflects my complicated character....but it's okay with me
Anyway, my pleasure tryng different outfits today was distracted by a silly cockroach...YES YIKES... summer is hot...insects try to escape the hot weather to better ones like that I have at my room...but I wasn't willing to share this cool temperatured room with any insects.
Of course the first few minutes were minutes of horror...I had to face it ALONE..my heart beats went faster and I felt I'm meeting the king of fears, like the one Mario has to kill at the last stage to be able to live with his princess happily everafter...poor Mario...but poor me now..what can I do with that little flying cockroach? How am I gonna get rid of it?
The cockroach reached the edge of a drawer and stood there for a couple of minuites (which is a long time at such a situation) and I stood there too...we weren't much different at that time. We were both thinking what to do next? As a human being I was supposed to be smarter, less scared and more quick at an action......but taht didn't happen. The cockroach flew ...that was when I understood it "FLIES TOO"...shiiit
we had a hot fight in the room; it flies and I run, it flies and I run then spray it with raid and filled the room with all the raid that was in the bottle...this made me think of how weak a human being is....I am afraid of a cockroach that is even smaller than my feet's smallest toe!! God!! Then I thought that finally something came across my fear from life...and I kept spraying and spraying till it dropped beside my bed, I saw it dying but I didn't stop spraying it..as if I was taking revenge or as if I was proving to myself that I'm stronger...or as if I was trying to combat my fear of life disgusing it in my fear from the cockroach...
I watched it as it dies...a sense of victory calmed me down, my heart beats went down to their normal rate again, but my mind didn't stop thinking "If I'm gonna think of every cockroch I meet that way, then I shouldn't really be asking life to be less complicated"
Dressing means at least knowing what I'll be wearing tomorrow at work from the night before. This happens by trying 2 or more outfits in a time till I feel comfortable of the thing I'll be wearing. Definitly it might take some more effort if where I'm going is another place than work!
That shouldn't mean I care about the outside more than the inside, it just reflects my complicated character....but it's okay with me
Anyway, my pleasure tryng different outfits today was distracted by a silly cockroach...YES YIKES... summer is hot...insects try to escape the hot weather to better ones like that I have at my room...but I wasn't willing to share this cool temperatured room with any insects.
Of course the first few minutes were minutes of horror...I had to face it ALONE..my heart beats went faster and I felt I'm meeting the king of fears, like the one Mario has to kill at the last stage to be able to live with his princess happily everafter...poor Mario...but poor me now..what can I do with that little flying cockroach? How am I gonna get rid of it?
The cockroach reached the edge of a drawer and stood there for a couple of minuites (which is a long time at such a situation) and I stood there too...we weren't much different at that time. We were both thinking what to do next? As a human being I was supposed to be smarter, less scared and more quick at an action......but taht didn't happen. The cockroach flew ...that was when I understood it "FLIES TOO"...shiiit
we had a hot fight in the room; it flies and I run, it flies and I run then spray it with raid and filled the room with all the raid that was in the bottle...this made me think of how weak a human being is....I am afraid of a cockroach that is even smaller than my feet's smallest toe!! God!! Then I thought that finally something came across my fear from life...and I kept spraying and spraying till it dropped beside my bed, I saw it dying but I didn't stop spraying it..as if I was taking revenge or as if I was proving to myself that I'm stronger...or as if I was trying to combat my fear of life disgusing it in my fear from the cockroach...
I watched it as it dies...a sense of victory calmed me down, my heart beats went down to their normal rate again, but my mind didn't stop thinking "If I'm gonna think of every cockroch I meet that way, then I shouldn't really be asking life to be less complicated"
Forget me not
I opened my eyes today from one deep sleeping night...
I closed them again when I found out there's nothing too amuzing to do, nothing that really interests me to open my eyes and start the day...
They call this a depression symptom; when you have no interest to do anything and when you're not willing to live another day...and what would today bring? why today would be a different day?
Writing from the furthest and deepest area within, the area where each painful memory is usually thrown in hopes to be recycled into immunity for living, from the hut that was built within throughout the years of struggling. Like I've been running since a very long time ago, and I"m exhausted, there are no rest stops, there is no water, running towards what I want the most but what I want the most seems to be running too away from me! So I keep running and pushing myself to run even harder and faster so that may be I can catch it one day and I change direction when I find out that I might be wrong, mistaken or misdirected..I swear I don't insist on anything but the thing I want and I keep running and running and running...
Today I stopped running, today I decided I am not running anymore again, because I am tired...
Today I'm gonna sit down and relax and watch life...just WATCH. If it ain't getting better then at least I didn't exhaust myself for nothing. I'll put my heart into the freezer and my mind into one relaxing jacuzzi.
It's only me who matters; won't put extra loads on my shoulders, won't call for anymore slogans, won't go out of my track again, won't hope for anything more than what I have now and I won't hope it will last with me, because everything is going away one day and I ain't gonna stay here forever. Even you! and it pierces my chest. After letting everything down, I can't find myself letting go of one last wish if I ever had to live without you..may you forget me not.
I closed them again when I found out there's nothing too amuzing to do, nothing that really interests me to open my eyes and start the day...
They call this a depression symptom; when you have no interest to do anything and when you're not willing to live another day...and what would today bring? why today would be a different day?
Writing from the furthest and deepest area within, the area where each painful memory is usually thrown in hopes to be recycled into immunity for living, from the hut that was built within throughout the years of struggling. Like I've been running since a very long time ago, and I"m exhausted, there are no rest stops, there is no water, running towards what I want the most but what I want the most seems to be running too away from me! So I keep running and pushing myself to run even harder and faster so that may be I can catch it one day and I change direction when I find out that I might be wrong, mistaken or misdirected..I swear I don't insist on anything but the thing I want and I keep running and running and running...
Today I stopped running, today I decided I am not running anymore again, because I am tired...
Today I'm gonna sit down and relax and watch life...just WATCH. If it ain't getting better then at least I didn't exhaust myself for nothing. I'll put my heart into the freezer and my mind into one relaxing jacuzzi.
It's only me who matters; won't put extra loads on my shoulders, won't call for anymore slogans, won't go out of my track again, won't hope for anything more than what I have now and I won't hope it will last with me, because everything is going away one day and I ain't gonna stay here forever. Even you! and it pierces my chest. After letting everything down, I can't find myself letting go of one last wish if I ever had to live without you..may you forget me not.
Friday, August 27, 2010
"Lost in the middle of NO WHERE"
It's 2 pm on a very hot Ramadan day and I'm awfully tired.
I don't know what pushed me out of bed, got me out of my pyjamas and into my outing wear, pulled my hands to take the car keys, bag and my favourite gadget - the notebook and pen, walked me out of home and to the nearest Cilantro "The place I always go with the dearests and Alone sometimes", just to sit and MAY BE write something that would make me feel contained.
It's been a couple of days paralysed and frozen, unable to get anything into paper. Not beong able to write does not necessarily mean I have nothing going on my head or heart, it might be what's going on is so chaoetic to be arranged in any sense of structure that can be understood by any normal person. Words keep struglling in and out, abive and underneath inside of me and I just don't know where the hell should I direct them except into my notebook...God keep notebooks for me...
It amazes me how much I've already written now even thought I don't know what exactly I want to express! Is it the anger that I don't know from where is it coming? Or the sadness and desperation I thought were gone a couple of days ago?..I remember I prayed they never come back! Or may be I want to express my confusion and distraction between every single thing and its extreme opposite..am I ever going to get over my "extremes" sickness?
Anyway, it's just the "lost in the middle of no where" fever I suffer from every now and then. It's just coming stronger and more painful every time than the time before it..and it should, actually...I never had any antibiotics for this type of fever!
Then I thought to myself "why should I write and share? and who cares?" but is it just because the people I want them to care are not caring means that no one cares? and is it truely that they don't care or they just don't care enough or in the way I'ld like to see them caring? NO.
It's not about who cares anyway, it's that according to feedback from people, I can touch deeper thoughts by my words that were left unvisited and uncovered. This only reminds me that "I'm not alone in the amusement park, and I"m not alone on that rollercoaster"...it encourages me to keep my strength to complete the journey.
Then I remembered an old friend I once had and who turned my life upside down...but it wasn't him, it was me who was waiting for someone to come and shake this life a little bit, just a little bit..not THAT BIG BIT...he shaked it and left and now I'm "lost inthe middle of no where"...
Everything changes, and again "Change is the only constant" and I have to deal with it, find a way to adapt and just live. But it's not only life that I want to live..I'm not that stupid. Why should I bargain a finite life with a never ending heavenly one?
A voice within tell me "it's not an either-or decision...you can live both happily" but it's just not me. I don't mean I have love for evil, but I have love for all types of freedom and pleasure, a life where I put my own rules without abiding to anyone's orders...but I just can't find it easy here. I keep wondering day after day about why do we have to suffer? why pain is a subset from living? why don't we just live and feel good about it? why is it always hard to get to the things we most want in life - if we DO get it at the end- and then why the pleasure we thought was once and will alwayd be there fades away?
Another inner voice speaks out to tell me that it's the way God shows and reminds us that life itself is fading and going away one day sooner or later.
I stopped writing for sometime, but ain't this not thinking. I was thinking. A song distracted me when I heard the singer singing "I just love you the way you are".....is there anyone out there like this man?is it just a song...that its words are left untouched my the reality we have to live in?..but I am one and I do...but all with the wrong people I'm mostly rejected by...unfortunately!!!or may be fortunately if I got to know the unknown!
Friends tell me I should stop thinking. But that's not how the mind works! The mind never rests down until it find the answers, and it doesn't settle except for the logical answers. I can't imagine a question mark and just leave it there!!! Nevertheless, I've been trying for sometime to intentionally stop myself everytime I find my mind reaching out for a question or analysis.
I thought to call a friend to talk with, but I've been always talking to friends and I used to have the issue of having so many close friends to whom I open up. I found out now that it's because my mind is in a contuos search for answers that calms it down..but I never had the opportunity of one answer's satosfaction and now I think nothing in the whole world would be more satisfaying than a hug, one long lasting warn innocent hug. May be it's just longing for some sense of embracement! I've always had the need of belongingness but I never really found it.
Music stopped for the prayers and I stopped writing since I felt everything pausing around me. It's time to go home now, go back to bed and give my mind a little rest...
I don't know what pushed me out of bed, got me out of my pyjamas and into my outing wear, pulled my hands to take the car keys, bag and my favourite gadget - the notebook and pen, walked me out of home and to the nearest Cilantro "The place I always go with the dearests and Alone sometimes", just to sit and MAY BE write something that would make me feel contained.
It's been a couple of days paralysed and frozen, unable to get anything into paper. Not beong able to write does not necessarily mean I have nothing going on my head or heart, it might be what's going on is so chaoetic to be arranged in any sense of structure that can be understood by any normal person. Words keep struglling in and out, abive and underneath inside of me and I just don't know where the hell should I direct them except into my notebook...God keep notebooks for me...
It amazes me how much I've already written now even thought I don't know what exactly I want to express! Is it the anger that I don't know from where is it coming? Or the sadness and desperation I thought were gone a couple of days ago?..I remember I prayed they never come back! Or may be I want to express my confusion and distraction between every single thing and its extreme opposite..am I ever going to get over my "extremes" sickness?
Anyway, it's just the "lost in the middle of no where" fever I suffer from every now and then. It's just coming stronger and more painful every time than the time before it..and it should, actually...I never had any antibiotics for this type of fever!
Then I thought to myself "why should I write and share? and who cares?" but is it just because the people I want them to care are not caring means that no one cares? and is it truely that they don't care or they just don't care enough or in the way I'ld like to see them caring? NO.
It's not about who cares anyway, it's that according to feedback from people, I can touch deeper thoughts by my words that were left unvisited and uncovered. This only reminds me that "I'm not alone in the amusement park, and I"m not alone on that rollercoaster"...it encourages me to keep my strength to complete the journey.
Then I remembered an old friend I once had and who turned my life upside down...but it wasn't him, it was me who was waiting for someone to come and shake this life a little bit, just a little bit..not THAT BIG BIT...he shaked it and left and now I'm "lost inthe middle of no where"...
Everything changes, and again "Change is the only constant" and I have to deal with it, find a way to adapt and just live. But it's not only life that I want to live..I'm not that stupid. Why should I bargain a finite life with a never ending heavenly one?
A voice within tell me "it's not an either-or decision...you can live both happily" but it's just not me. I don't mean I have love for evil, but I have love for all types of freedom and pleasure, a life where I put my own rules without abiding to anyone's orders...but I just can't find it easy here. I keep wondering day after day about why do we have to suffer? why pain is a subset from living? why don't we just live and feel good about it? why is it always hard to get to the things we most want in life - if we DO get it at the end- and then why the pleasure we thought was once and will alwayd be there fades away?
Another inner voice speaks out to tell me that it's the way God shows and reminds us that life itself is fading and going away one day sooner or later.
I stopped writing for sometime, but ain't this not thinking. I was thinking. A song distracted me when I heard the singer singing "I just love you the way you are".....is there anyone out there like this man?is it just a song...that its words are left untouched my the reality we have to live in?..but I am one and I do...but all with the wrong people I'm mostly rejected by...unfortunately!!!or may be fortunately if I got to know the unknown!
Friends tell me I should stop thinking. But that's not how the mind works! The mind never rests down until it find the answers, and it doesn't settle except for the logical answers. I can't imagine a question mark and just leave it there!!! Nevertheless, I've been trying for sometime to intentionally stop myself everytime I find my mind reaching out for a question or analysis.
I thought to call a friend to talk with, but I've been always talking to friends and I used to have the issue of having so many close friends to whom I open up. I found out now that it's because my mind is in a contuos search for answers that calms it down..but I never had the opportunity of one answer's satosfaction and now I think nothing in the whole world would be more satisfaying than a hug, one long lasting warn innocent hug. May be it's just longing for some sense of embracement! I've always had the need of belongingness but I never really found it.
Music stopped for the prayers and I stopped writing since I felt everything pausing around me. It's time to go home now, go back to bed and give my mind a little rest...
Friday, August 20, 2010
I'll keep my hopes UNBROKEN
Yeah sure I'ld do!
What? Strange about the rollercoaster? haha yes it is, but it's true...
Today is my day and no one else's
Today is a new day for me...and might be the last, but it's nothing pathetic
Today the sun rose just for me,
Today the sun left to leave space for the moon to come and lighten all the darkness I have,
Today is the day, yesterday is a learnt lesson, and tommorrow is a hope,
I am not afraid to hope..after I was...
I've built a new friendship with my hopes because I understood - the hard way- that I cannot live without them,
Today my hopes talked to me, and told me they're sad 'cause I left them and I left them crying...I misjudged hopes and said they never come and said they broken me..but they did not..
It was me who's calling from so far, further than hopes can go....
Today...I keep my hopes unbroken because they mean alot to me...
And I'll keep them unbroken that way; "when I'm not sure, I won't hope, I'll just have faith that the best thing will happen" I'll keep them unbroken by expecting nothing, by living for nothing but NOW...yeah I should learn to live for now only and learn how to enjoy it....
The rollercoaster rider got dizzy from the rollercoasters and wants to enjoy life some good time..we won't be here twice and it's worth living to the max...it's uneasy but not impossible..
Love you hopes when I put you into perspective...
Love you hopes when they're tied by faith that God and only God will put you and I in the right place at teh right time..
So again, I'll keep my hopes UNBROKEN, I'll tie them to faith,
I won't give up on to LOVE, because oh yes I know the best love,the warmest partner and the hitting story is yet to come,
I'll TREASURE my memories, but I won't keep looking at them so that I can sea ahead and move on,
I won't keep my feet on the ground, beacuse I'll pay for wings to fly ;)
What? Strange about the rollercoaster? haha yes it is, but it's true...
Today is my day and no one else's
Today is a new day for me...and might be the last, but it's nothing pathetic
Today the sun rose just for me,
Today the sun left to leave space for the moon to come and lighten all the darkness I have,
Today is the day, yesterday is a learnt lesson, and tommorrow is a hope,
I am not afraid to hope..after I was...
I've built a new friendship with my hopes because I understood - the hard way- that I cannot live without them,
Today my hopes talked to me, and told me they're sad 'cause I left them and I left them crying...I misjudged hopes and said they never come and said they broken me..but they did not..
It was me who's calling from so far, further than hopes can go....
Today...I keep my hopes unbroken because they mean alot to me...
And I'll keep them unbroken that way; "when I'm not sure, I won't hope, I'll just have faith that the best thing will happen" I'll keep them unbroken by expecting nothing, by living for nothing but NOW...yeah I should learn to live for now only and learn how to enjoy it....
The rollercoaster rider got dizzy from the rollercoasters and wants to enjoy life some good time..we won't be here twice and it's worth living to the max...it's uneasy but not impossible..
Love you hopes when I put you into perspective...
Love you hopes when they're tied by faith that God and only God will put you and I in the right place at teh right time..
So again, I'll keep my hopes UNBROKEN, I'll tie them to faith,
I won't give up on to LOVE, because oh yes I know the best love,the warmest partner and the hitting story is yet to come,
I'll TREASURE my memories, but I won't keep looking at them so that I can sea ahead and move on,
I won't keep my feet on the ground, beacuse I'll pay for wings to fly ;)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Too much for one day
Well, it's puzzling me from where shall I start? From my fasting? or from the link between ramadan, food and exaggerating social gathering that I can't figure it? or from the terrible accident I saw happening infront of my eyes, not knowing where did the fate of the riding people take them? or from a best friend's birthday that brought life to my friendship with her????And even more,,when I reflect on it all I find them all related.
It was a huge roller coaster for one day! But everything pass, the good and the bad. And it all ends up with me every night with my favourite buddy -that I don't know what I would do without- alone....my laptop.
A good day for me is the day that I find myself enjoying every minute, not because it was filled by good moments, but because they were quality moments. The good I live them, enjoy and smile from the bottom of my heart..and the bad I live them knowing they're my experiences that formulate my character, challanging them to prove I'm strong, and learn from them to be wiser.
It was a huge roller coaster for one day! But everything pass, the good and the bad. And it all ends up with me every night with my favourite buddy -that I don't know what I would do without- alone....my laptop.
A good day for me is the day that I find myself enjoying every minute, not because it was filled by good moments, but because they were quality moments. The good I live them, enjoy and smile from the bottom of my heart..and the bad I live them knowing they're my experiences that formulate my character, challanging them to prove I'm strong, and learn from them to be wiser.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Take me home
Have you ever heard about “crying without tears”? Certainly, we all did. Have you ever thought what is it really about? I found out tonight.
After days and nights of constant fears, confusions, frustrations, shocks and disappointments, I found it all out.
It’s the heart crying instead of the eyes, and the blood falling instead of the tears…a constant whole in my heart. Constant bleeding…can’t find a way to stop it.
And how would I stop it when everything reminds me of you?
My friends, my home, my family, my work, my car, my clothes, my stuff, the places I go, the songs I hear, the books I read, the thoughts I write….everything! Even my own breaths and heart beats, reminds me of you.
I stay in bed holding my pillow so tight in my hug, trying to fill in the emptiness I feel inside, the out of life sucked feelings….the heart that passed away.
Then I look at my right hand, it also reminds me of you..and I reach it out to hold your hands, with which I felt warmth, but I only reach out to my other hand…trying to feel complete on my own.
I close my eyes that rarely taste sleep now, I try to let go, taking a deep breath in, while taking in all what I have to swallow, then I exhale with hopes all the hurt might get out with my breath.
The dream I had one day is turning into a nightmare, and I can’t help but feel like I’ll never wake up.
I don’t want to run away, but I can’t take it and I don’t understand what the world is trying to tell me.
You developed the desperate within me. Don’t get tricked with that smile on my face.
May anyone take me home?
After days and nights of constant fears, confusions, frustrations, shocks and disappointments, I found it all out.
It’s the heart crying instead of the eyes, and the blood falling instead of the tears…a constant whole in my heart. Constant bleeding…can’t find a way to stop it.
And how would I stop it when everything reminds me of you?
My friends, my home, my family, my work, my car, my clothes, my stuff, the places I go, the songs I hear, the books I read, the thoughts I write….everything! Even my own breaths and heart beats, reminds me of you.
I stay in bed holding my pillow so tight in my hug, trying to fill in the emptiness I feel inside, the out of life sucked feelings….the heart that passed away.
Then I look at my right hand, it also reminds me of you..and I reach it out to hold your hands, with which I felt warmth, but I only reach out to my other hand…trying to feel complete on my own.
I close my eyes that rarely taste sleep now, I try to let go, taking a deep breath in, while taking in all what I have to swallow, then I exhale with hopes all the hurt might get out with my breath.
The dream I had one day is turning into a nightmare, and I can’t help but feel like I’ll never wake up.
I don’t want to run away, but I can’t take it and I don’t understand what the world is trying to tell me.
You developed the desperate within me. Don’t get tricked with that smile on my face.
May anyone take me home?
I just hate to see you go
You left and took away with you what’s left of breaths in my lungs.
That loss is killing me, it’s piercing my heart.
I’ve always had the hopes that you won’t leave me, and you didn’t… I was the one who did, and you let me go.
Being in hell with you, and being in hell without you...where’s heaven then?
Where’s my happiness? Where’s my satisfaction? I don’t know!
Someone turned on the fan on my life and all the paper is scattered up in the air and down on the floors of my inexperienced and innocent bottom….that bottom of my deepest love.
Every time I gather my scattered paper and myself, someone turns on the fan…enough please. Just leave me alone, but stay here beside me. Stay with me till I’m well all alone…if you really have to go.
If you really have to go, don’t take my heart with you, don’t take my dreams and hopes away from me, don’t take my everything then wonder why I’m not moving on.
Don’t believe me when I ask you to leave me alone. Don’t believe me when I tell you I don’t need you here.
Don’t turn your back to me, when I do this with you.
I feel too powerless to fix the broken pieces of my heart. I feel scared enough not to turn the page, because I’m afraid the coming page might be even worse.
Stuck … I am stuck and I don’t know where to turn…
I feel like being in a maze…a maze without an exit…every road I walk in I find it closed, so I turn and go back to where I was. The same starting point. By time, by repetition, this feeling becomes ugly and starting all over again becomes heavy enough not to carry and believe in.
I just hate to see you go.
That loss is killing me, it’s piercing my heart.
I’ve always had the hopes that you won’t leave me, and you didn’t… I was the one who did, and you let me go.
Being in hell with you, and being in hell without you...where’s heaven then?
Where’s my happiness? Where’s my satisfaction? I don’t know!
Someone turned on the fan on my life and all the paper is scattered up in the air and down on the floors of my inexperienced and innocent bottom….that bottom of my deepest love.
Every time I gather my scattered paper and myself, someone turns on the fan…enough please. Just leave me alone, but stay here beside me. Stay with me till I’m well all alone…if you really have to go.
If you really have to go, don’t take my heart with you, don’t take my dreams and hopes away from me, don’t take my everything then wonder why I’m not moving on.
Don’t believe me when I ask you to leave me alone. Don’t believe me when I tell you I don’t need you here.
Don’t turn your back to me, when I do this with you.
I feel too powerless to fix the broken pieces of my heart. I feel scared enough not to turn the page, because I’m afraid the coming page might be even worse.
Stuck … I am stuck and I don’t know where to turn…
I feel like being in a maze…a maze without an exit…every road I walk in I find it closed, so I turn and go back to where I was. The same starting point. By time, by repetition, this feeling becomes ugly and starting all over again becomes heavy enough not to carry and believe in.
I just hate to see you go.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Beauty OR the Beast?
My journey with you ain't easy at all, with all the breaks and down falls...I find myself going back to you time after time...and I find you coming back to me time after time!
It's a weird sense of belonging, an unusual feeling of attachemet, and an infinite case of loyalty...
Do I fit into the proverb that says "El 2ott ye7eb 7'ana2o"?? if that's me, then what proverb do YOU fit in?
I failed to know which character I am with you?
Am I the beauty; the kind, the nice, the flexible, the understanding, the forgiving, the embracing, the warm...etc?
Or Am I the beast; the one whose all the opposite? The one who's playing the devil's advocate role? The one who always ruins things?
and which character are you of the two character?
What do I excalty carry to you inside??
What do you exactly carry to me inside??
You hurt me and I just go and hurt you even more deeper...
did you hurt me out of nothing or out of a pain I did before?
Are you my mistake or the price of a previuos one?
Am I destined to stay in this loop forever? Or will you get me out?
Do I seek acceptance while rejecting you? Or am I giving too much acceptance that scares you off?
Who's the Beauty? and who's the Beast?....tell me if you know please!!!
It's a weird sense of belonging, an unusual feeling of attachemet, and an infinite case of loyalty...
Do I fit into the proverb that says "El 2ott ye7eb 7'ana2o"?? if that's me, then what proverb do YOU fit in?
I failed to know which character I am with you?
Am I the beauty; the kind, the nice, the flexible, the understanding, the forgiving, the embracing, the warm...etc?
Or Am I the beast; the one whose all the opposite? The one who's playing the devil's advocate role? The one who always ruins things?
and which character are you of the two character?
What do I excalty carry to you inside??
What do you exactly carry to me inside??
You hurt me and I just go and hurt you even more deeper...
did you hurt me out of nothing or out of a pain I did before?
Are you my mistake or the price of a previuos one?
Am I destined to stay in this loop forever? Or will you get me out?
Do I seek acceptance while rejecting you? Or am I giving too much acceptance that scares you off?
Who's the Beauty? and who's the Beast?....tell me if you know please!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
God knows more for sure....
I got into my car and closed the doors and burst into tears that were never ending till I arrived home.
Just finished my psychotherapy, that lasted for one hour. This is too long with a psychiatrist.
I kept crying with my friend beside speechless and helpless; she never saw me this way before. No one really saw me this way before because I used to keep my weak side to myself. But it wasn’t being weak, it was being powerless.
Took my way home, and my friend kept talking about things she thinks they relate. She was trying to calm me down, she tried using many techniques I was aware…but nothing worked.
I drove her to her car and then took my way home …alone.
I’ve become more comfortable alone. Not a privacy issue as much as a discrepancy one.
Nile FM was playing too low when she was inside my car, and when she went out and found myself alone – even though I wanted to be alone- I couldn’t stand the silence. It’s the discrepancy issue, disagreeing on everything even the sound that’s screaming from within and wants me to hear it. But I can’t let it out. I turned the radio loud and louder and louder till it became louder than the voices screaming inside of me and I’m trying to escape. As if I’m escaping my past. I wanted anything to distract my restless feelings and thoughts. But the loudest radio couldn’t get be diverted.
I kept driving and listening to the songs. Not knowing what the next song could be made me think of life. No one really knows what’s coming next. It might be a song we like or a song we dislike but it’s all just fate and we need to accept it. To make the fact even more sour we are option less. It’s either we accept it, agree with it and cope and live with it or we just die. Yes, we DIE. We die by suicide or we die alive.. Because life just keeps moving on and life doesn’t know those who stop for their grief. Yes again life is cruel and it needs tough people to live it….or they die…again.
Kept thinking of the flow of songs that we don’t know what’s coming next but we always have hope that the next song is a one we’ll like!
I haven’t yet reached the level of being hopeless, but I reached the level of living with hopes that seems to be going nowhere. I thought to myself like “who knows when you go and sleep what would happen tomorrow? Or even what would happen the very next moment?” and even though I thought that way many times in my life and things were never better, I still find myself thinking this way. As if the hope I always had is still hanging on the stars, waiting for me to be stronger and tougher and bitter till I’m able to go up so high and catch it. But I just can’t do it this time. That’s what my logic says because the moment of happiness I’ve been praying for since ever haven’t come yet. On the other hand, I just can’t this time. This time I went down in earth so deep that it needs all the world’s powers to get me up to earth again. And again, I’m option less, it’s either I live it or I die.
I arrived home, with bumps all over my face from crying too hard. Even my tears couldn’t erase all the grief and struggle I have inside. I went to the bathroom quickly, took off my clothes quickly as if I was trying to get rid of everything as if I can’t bear anything. I don’t know why?
I got into the shower and let the water wash me. I kept scratching my skin too hard, I wanted to get rid of my past, all the memories. I thought water could do anything. As if these memories are waste I want get rid of just like the dust I had on my skin from a long hard day outdoors. I felt better, I felt relaxed…my memories were not cleaned and will never be.
You’ll just stay there, like a jack in the box, jumping up in my face whenever I come close to any subject related to you, to relationships or to love in general.
By midnight I concluded I can’t blame you for anything. This really suited how the night was getting darker and darker. By every level darker in the night, my pain was getting deeper and harder, finding myself the only one to blame.
I closed my eyes with the same type of hope I always had; the hopes that do not know where to take me…but I’m sure God knows.
Just finished my psychotherapy, that lasted for one hour. This is too long with a psychiatrist.
I kept crying with my friend beside speechless and helpless; she never saw me this way before. No one really saw me this way before because I used to keep my weak side to myself. But it wasn’t being weak, it was being powerless.
Took my way home, and my friend kept talking about things she thinks they relate. She was trying to calm me down, she tried using many techniques I was aware…but nothing worked.
I drove her to her car and then took my way home …alone.
I’ve become more comfortable alone. Not a privacy issue as much as a discrepancy one.
Nile FM was playing too low when she was inside my car, and when she went out and found myself alone – even though I wanted to be alone- I couldn’t stand the silence. It’s the discrepancy issue, disagreeing on everything even the sound that’s screaming from within and wants me to hear it. But I can’t let it out. I turned the radio loud and louder and louder till it became louder than the voices screaming inside of me and I’m trying to escape. As if I’m escaping my past. I wanted anything to distract my restless feelings and thoughts. But the loudest radio couldn’t get be diverted.
I kept driving and listening to the songs. Not knowing what the next song could be made me think of life. No one really knows what’s coming next. It might be a song we like or a song we dislike but it’s all just fate and we need to accept it. To make the fact even more sour we are option less. It’s either we accept it, agree with it and cope and live with it or we just die. Yes, we DIE. We die by suicide or we die alive.. Because life just keeps moving on and life doesn’t know those who stop for their grief. Yes again life is cruel and it needs tough people to live it….or they die…again.
Kept thinking of the flow of songs that we don’t know what’s coming next but we always have hope that the next song is a one we’ll like!
I haven’t yet reached the level of being hopeless, but I reached the level of living with hopes that seems to be going nowhere. I thought to myself like “who knows when you go and sleep what would happen tomorrow? Or even what would happen the very next moment?” and even though I thought that way many times in my life and things were never better, I still find myself thinking this way. As if the hope I always had is still hanging on the stars, waiting for me to be stronger and tougher and bitter till I’m able to go up so high and catch it. But I just can’t do it this time. That’s what my logic says because the moment of happiness I’ve been praying for since ever haven’t come yet. On the other hand, I just can’t this time. This time I went down in earth so deep that it needs all the world’s powers to get me up to earth again. And again, I’m option less, it’s either I live it or I die.
I arrived home, with bumps all over my face from crying too hard. Even my tears couldn’t erase all the grief and struggle I have inside. I went to the bathroom quickly, took off my clothes quickly as if I was trying to get rid of everything as if I can’t bear anything. I don’t know why?
I got into the shower and let the water wash me. I kept scratching my skin too hard, I wanted to get rid of my past, all the memories. I thought water could do anything. As if these memories are waste I want get rid of just like the dust I had on my skin from a long hard day outdoors. I felt better, I felt relaxed…my memories were not cleaned and will never be.
You’ll just stay there, like a jack in the box, jumping up in my face whenever I come close to any subject related to you, to relationships or to love in general.
By midnight I concluded I can’t blame you for anything. This really suited how the night was getting darker and darker. By every level darker in the night, my pain was getting deeper and harder, finding myself the only one to blame.
I closed my eyes with the same type of hope I always had; the hopes that do not know where to take me…but I’m sure God knows.
Friday, July 30, 2010
In hopes...
I wish I could blame you for all what’s been done and gone
I wish I could stand the thought, that’s for me another stun
I’ve got a life to live, yet I’m not able to survive
I’m stuck at all the memories between you and I
Never thought one day I’ll cry, that you are around here
When one day your absence was my greatest fear
I’m speechless when it comes to think
How worthless I am to you now
The sour pain and struggle inside me sting
The deepest feelings and takes me down
Don’t tell me it’s all over, and I have to turn the page
Don’t tell me next time take care, not to get inside the cage
I gave my all to you, but for you … it couldn’t be less
I went mountains high and low enough in order to confess
Went down the road so thirsty, with hopes of finding you
I found you at the end, but you just had to go
Wanted to go back to my home, in hopes to revive
Didn’t know my way back, didn’t know how to drive
I wish I could stand the thought, that’s for me another stun
I’ve got a life to live, yet I’m not able to survive
I’m stuck at all the memories between you and I
Never thought one day I’ll cry, that you are around here
When one day your absence was my greatest fear
I’m speechless when it comes to think
How worthless I am to you now
The sour pain and struggle inside me sting
The deepest feelings and takes me down
Don’t tell me it’s all over, and I have to turn the page
Don’t tell me next time take care, not to get inside the cage
I gave my all to you, but for you … it couldn’t be less
I went mountains high and low enough in order to confess
Went down the road so thirsty, with hopes of finding you
I found you at the end, but you just had to go
Wanted to go back to my home, in hopes to revive
Didn’t know my way back, didn’t know how to drive
It's not really the end of the world!
Seems like we both have reasons to let go
Seems like you didn’t have any feelings to show
Seems like I’ve been always taken for granted
Seems like I’ve been blindly to your side banded
Seems like it was not going anywhere
Seems like I was just a temporary pair
Seems like you’ve been searching all along the time
Seems like you were lying when you said it was fine
Seems like our promises were made to be broken
Seems like my hopes were there to be stolen
Seems like I gave you my all without even thinking
Seems like you went away, without even blinking
Seems like you see me now “the same old story”
Seems like I affected your ego and your glory
Seems like you’re now already with someone else
Seems like you’re not suffering and I’m just a past tense
Seems like you don’t care even to defend your position
Seems like you are selfish and you believed your suspicion
Seems like you now think that I told everybody
Seems like I gave too much excuses and too much worry
Seems like you don’t miss me because you never did
Seems like you never really meant what you have said
Seems like our virtual connection is no longer on hold
Seems like it is not really the end of the world
Seems like you didn’t have any feelings to show
Seems like I’ve been always taken for granted
Seems like I’ve been blindly to your side banded
Seems like it was not going anywhere
Seems like I was just a temporary pair
Seems like you’ve been searching all along the time
Seems like you were lying when you said it was fine
Seems like our promises were made to be broken
Seems like my hopes were there to be stolen
Seems like I gave you my all without even thinking
Seems like you went away, without even blinking
Seems like you see me now “the same old story”
Seems like I affected your ego and your glory
Seems like you’re now already with someone else
Seems like you’re not suffering and I’m just a past tense
Seems like you don’t care even to defend your position
Seems like you are selfish and you believed your suspicion
Seems like you now think that I told everybody
Seems like I gave too much excuses and too much worry
Seems like you don’t miss me because you never did
Seems like you never really meant what you have said
Seems like our virtual connection is no longer on hold
Seems like it is not really the end of the world
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Before it's too late
Before blaming others...make sure you're not part of their mistake
Before falling in love...make sure you're not tracing what's fake
Before giving up...make sure of the experience you should take
Before thinking of tomorrow...make sure today has no shake
Before crying...make sure it's worth the tears
Before starting over...make sure you beat the fears
Make sure it’s the right direction…before you pull full gears
Before speaking out a secret…make sure there’re no hidden ears
Before thinking of your problems…make sure you count the blessings
Before announcing your failures…make sure you’ve learnt the lessons
Before you’re taken for granted…make sure you should not to be
Before blindly following your desires…make sure you’re really free
Before you spend your money…make sure you’ve got a reserve
Before feeling the sadness…think of the happiness you deserve
Before taking your decisions…make sure you’ve got time to think
Before giving away from yourself…make sure of the benefits you link
Before you mock others...make sure you’re not doing the same
Before you rush in…make sure you understand the game
Before saying a word…make sure you won’t regret
Before leaving anyone…make sure they’re not upset
Before you go to sleep…make sure you’ve hurt no one
Before time comes to die…make sure you’re mission is done
Before falling in love...make sure you're not tracing what's fake
Before giving up...make sure of the experience you should take
Before thinking of tomorrow...make sure today has no shake
Before crying...make sure it's worth the tears
Before starting over...make sure you beat the fears
Make sure it’s the right direction…before you pull full gears
Before speaking out a secret…make sure there’re no hidden ears
Before thinking of your problems…make sure you count the blessings
Before announcing your failures…make sure you’ve learnt the lessons
Before you’re taken for granted…make sure you should not to be
Before blindly following your desires…make sure you’re really free
Before you spend your money…make sure you’ve got a reserve
Before feeling the sadness…think of the happiness you deserve
Before taking your decisions…make sure you’ve got time to think
Before giving away from yourself…make sure of the benefits you link
Before you mock others...make sure you’re not doing the same
Before you rush in…make sure you understand the game
Before saying a word…make sure you won’t regret
Before leaving anyone…make sure they’re not upset
Before you go to sleep…make sure you’ve hurt no one
Before time comes to die…make sure you’re mission is done
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sweet Obsessions...may kill you
"this loss overwhelmes me,it burns in my stomach" her thoughts kept evovling, remembering every single break down and she thinks like:
"Are the lessons worth the loss?"
One fact that freaks me about life is that what goes never comes back and what's coming will certainly go one day!
Wish I could pause on the happy moments,wish I would fast forward the moments of grief, wish I was not forced to replace my heart with a stone....
But pain left me optionless in the world of hearts...wherever I turn and look, I see squeezed hearts, dark hearts, broken hearts, torned hearts, dead hearts........
The MAY BEs that never show up........the expectations that always hurt........
Are there any outlets from that hell?
or any painkiller for the pain?
or any exit from that dull closet?
would any one stop the alarm?
would anyone shout at that child screaming out there?
would anyone hand me a sleep aid?
would you just leave me alone?
"Are the lessons worth the loss?"
One fact that freaks me about life is that what goes never comes back and what's coming will certainly go one day!
Wish I could pause on the happy moments,wish I would fast forward the moments of grief, wish I was not forced to replace my heart with a stone....
But pain left me optionless in the world of hearts...wherever I turn and look, I see squeezed hearts, dark hearts, broken hearts, torned hearts, dead hearts........
The MAY BEs that never show up........the expectations that always hurt........
Are there any outlets from that hell?
or any painkiller for the pain?
or any exit from that dull closet?
would any one stop the alarm?
would anyone shout at that child screaming out there?
would anyone hand me a sleep aid?
would you just leave me alone?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
"She"...Inside Out
Stroking her lonely nights
Turning on all her lights
Hiding away from sights
Her feeling that is right.
Painting a portrait of her mystery
Drawing a smile on her misery
Trying to live her fantasy
Escaping the facts of scarcity
She prays that dreams come true
Wishing this feeling never grew
Wondering how she’ll get it through
She wants to get out of the blue.
She longs for this tender heart
To come and decorate her tart
And never to feel apart
No need for aches to start.
She thinks of yesterday
The pain that went away
Afraid it can come her way
She thinks of today
Her strengths are almost astray
Her heart tells what she obeys
She thinks of tomorrow
Her love is no more hollow
And brighter is her halo
Thinking of the future, it’s not always necessary that we plan ahead, but it’s fantasies. Fantasies that take us away from the bitter reality…not essentially because reality is dreadful, but because it’s not like how we wish it could be.
Are you for real or is my roller coaster still in my fantasy realms?!
Turning on all her lights
Hiding away from sights
Her feeling that is right.
Painting a portrait of her mystery
Drawing a smile on her misery
Trying to live her fantasy
Escaping the facts of scarcity
She prays that dreams come true
Wishing this feeling never grew
Wondering how she’ll get it through
She wants to get out of the blue.
She longs for this tender heart
To come and decorate her tart
And never to feel apart
No need for aches to start.
She thinks of yesterday
The pain that went away
Afraid it can come her way
She thinks of today
Her strengths are almost astray
Her heart tells what she obeys
She thinks of tomorrow
Her love is no more hollow
And brighter is her halo
Thinking of the future, it’s not always necessary that we plan ahead, but it’s fantasies. Fantasies that take us away from the bitter reality…not essentially because reality is dreadful, but because it’s not like how we wish it could be.
Are you for real or is my roller coaster still in my fantasy realms?!
When you're gone
You're my easy way out,
but I'm not used to choosing easy ways out!
I'm well known for going through hardships and challenging the easiest..
might be perceived as a pain lover...but I'm a believer
My internal struggles are never ending,
peace can't find its way through to my mind or heart....
except when I'm with you
But it's a different kind of peace, that I become too ignorant to understand and explain...but let me try though...
It's the peace of stabilized heart beats, smooth breath taking, relaxed body, and guilt free feelings...it's even more
With you my heart's nude..yes it is.
But it's not too long when things happen that trigger wild waves of every good and bad thought into me...
Like a bottle of soda that has been shaked too strong and can;t find any opening to be released,
Like a child that keeps crying loud too much in hopes to get heard or that any one would understand him, yet there's no one around,
Like a prisoner who's been unfairly judged, and is hitting his cell's wall too hard, he watns to get out, he can't bear the unjustice...but no one can do him anything,
Like a helium balloon that slipped from the kid's hand; it kept dizzling among the clouds, with no place to go...
Like a tornado that's non-stopping...
That's me,
when you're gone
but I'm not used to choosing easy ways out!
I'm well known for going through hardships and challenging the easiest..
might be perceived as a pain lover...but I'm a believer
My internal struggles are never ending,
peace can't find its way through to my mind or heart....
except when I'm with you
But it's a different kind of peace, that I become too ignorant to understand and explain...but let me try though...
It's the peace of stabilized heart beats, smooth breath taking, relaxed body, and guilt free feelings...it's even more
With you my heart's nude..yes it is.
But it's not too long when things happen that trigger wild waves of every good and bad thought into me...
Like a bottle of soda that has been shaked too strong and can;t find any opening to be released,
Like a child that keeps crying loud too much in hopes to get heard or that any one would understand him, yet there's no one around,
Like a prisoner who's been unfairly judged, and is hitting his cell's wall too hard, he watns to get out, he can't bear the unjustice...but no one can do him anything,
Like a helium balloon that slipped from the kid's hand; it kept dizzling among the clouds, with no place to go...
Like a tornado that's non-stopping...
That's me,
when you're gone
We're not apart !
It's like I'm too close to you as much as far,
too opened to you as much as blocked,
too loving to you as much as annoyed.
Today with you is nothing but a burning candle,
and tomorrow is nothing but the burnt candle's fumes
but guess what? ... I like it
Don't tell me you want me because I want you even more,
but my guards won't let me go...
they say I deserve someone who fights for me...who shows me to the whole world..
Their words seem appealing and convincinvg,yet I don't mind letting them down for you..
We're not apart as long as we're under the same skies,
and as long as the same memories were written in the pages of our minds
all what's inbetween is distances, only distances of space...but not that of mind or soul...
too opened to you as much as blocked,
too loving to you as much as annoyed.
Today with you is nothing but a burning candle,
and tomorrow is nothing but the burnt candle's fumes
but guess what? ... I like it
Don't tell me you want me because I want you even more,
but my guards won't let me go...
they say I deserve someone who fights for me...who shows me to the whole world..
Their words seem appealing and convincinvg,yet I don't mind letting them down for you..
We're not apart as long as we're under the same skies,
and as long as the same memories were written in the pages of our minds
all what's inbetween is distances, only distances of space...but not that of mind or soul...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Turning the page
“It’s never easy to turn on the page,
To admit that it’s a past tense,
And when we’re strong enough to turn it,
We might not be strong enough to stick there, in the new page
It’s like the past keeps chasing us,
Chasing us away from our dreams,
Away from our present,
Away from the happiness we deserve
Holding us from seeing through life
It’s like a cloud blocking the sun
A playhouse curtain,
Hindering us from seeing the play…..our life
We escape and run and run and run,
In the hopes that we can detach,
Or that it might return,
But nothing happens…
We just stay there…somewhere between the past and the present
Being here, but living there”
But as soon as turning the page…if I could do it, I find myself in a new page but which is not quite different than the last one…I slip quietly into the realm of my own. Is that really me? Or just someone else I don’t know!
To admit that it’s a past tense,
And when we’re strong enough to turn it,
We might not be strong enough to stick there, in the new page
It’s like the past keeps chasing us,
Chasing us away from our dreams,
Away from our present,
Away from the happiness we deserve
Holding us from seeing through life
It’s like a cloud blocking the sun
A playhouse curtain,
Hindering us from seeing the play…..our life
We escape and run and run and run,
In the hopes that we can detach,
Or that it might return,
But nothing happens…
We just stay there…somewhere between the past and the present
Being here, but living there”
But as soon as turning the page…if I could do it, I find myself in a new page but which is not quite different than the last one…I slip quietly into the realm of my own. Is that really me? Or just someone else I don’t know!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Suitcase of memories
“Keep searching among the pictures
Keep holding on to the textures
Of nice memories
They ended with happiness
They ended with sadness
“Lots of harmonies”
Like I’ve sweetened the taste of pain
Like I’ve adopted all what’s insane
“Rapport with enemies”
Give them the weapon to kill my hopes
Introduce them to the ghost that horrors my thoughts
“Enough for fantasies”
They say; Live the life day by day
Wait your dreams to come your way
“Good bye autonomies?”
No will to mend the broken hearts
No sin releasing all my guards
“On a Sale for dummies”
In search for love to water the thirst
Ring the bells “You will be hurt”
“Suitcase of memories”
Raise hands of passionate objection
Welcome deniable rejection
“Stay miserable companies””
It can’t get worse. Oh my God, here’s the u-turn. It’s time to turn the page. Let it go, start a new page and draw it the way we would like it to be. But is it easily done as said? Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!! Rollercoaster is ……spininggggggggg
Keep holding on to the textures
Of nice memories
They ended with happiness
They ended with sadness
“Lots of harmonies”
Like I’ve sweetened the taste of pain
Like I’ve adopted all what’s insane
“Rapport with enemies”
Give them the weapon to kill my hopes
Introduce them to the ghost that horrors my thoughts
“Enough for fantasies”
They say; Live the life day by day
Wait your dreams to come your way
“Good bye autonomies?”
No will to mend the broken hearts
No sin releasing all my guards
“On a Sale for dummies”
In search for love to water the thirst
Ring the bells “You will be hurt”
“Suitcase of memories”
Raise hands of passionate objection
Welcome deniable rejection
“Stay miserable companies””
It can’t get worse. Oh my God, here’s the u-turn. It’s time to turn the page. Let it go, start a new page and draw it the way we would like it to be. But is it easily done as said? Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!! Rollercoaster is ……spininggggggggg
No Regrets
“If I could turn back the time,
I wouldn’t have done anything different
It’s all been written and it’s all just fine
I admit my past and I can’t sign it “absent”
The decisions I made would have been the same,
The circumstances I passed, I won’t ever blame
The paths I chose, I do not regret
Even the tears I cried and every hit
I made my best to make it all right
I tried my best to get through to the light
Faults, yes… I had a few
I learnt from them and their consequences I chose to chew
If I had the option to turn back the time
I wouldn’t have chosen except the present time
It’s where I am now, and still have much to live
I’m not out of life, and still have much to give”
Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that each one of us is living with a suitcase of memories. Sometimes this suitcase is just too heavy to carry along, so we either choose to sit beside it, avoiding detach … or we just leave it and move on!
I wouldn’t have done anything different
It’s all been written and it’s all just fine
I admit my past and I can’t sign it “absent”
The decisions I made would have been the same,
The circumstances I passed, I won’t ever blame
The paths I chose, I do not regret
Even the tears I cried and every hit
I made my best to make it all right
I tried my best to get through to the light
Faults, yes… I had a few
I learnt from them and their consequences I chose to chew
If I had the option to turn back the time
I wouldn’t have chosen except the present time
It’s where I am now, and still have much to live
I’m not out of life, and still have much to give”
Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that each one of us is living with a suitcase of memories. Sometimes this suitcase is just too heavy to carry along, so we either choose to sit beside it, avoiding detach … or we just leave it and move on!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Night Walk
“Walking alone at night, in a very dark street behind my house, makes feel like being lost in life’s turbulences and darkness, knowing where I should be heading, knowing the right direction and the right action but never going there; to my house!
I’ve kept walking alone with a flash back carrying all my heartaches and carrying all my pathetic memories. Amongst the memories that keep squeezing my heart away from the present’s optimism, energy and opportunities, I find millions of questions and answers fighting in my head like a jigsaw puzzle that I’m trying to put together not knowing how the final picture should be. I find myself asking if it’s better to have good, bad or no memories at all?
People remember their lovers and cry, on the other hand, others do not have lovers to remember and still they cry for not having one. End of the day, both keep wondering why … and both keep thinking how they would go on and if they can ever find the real one!
I found my tears filling my eyes like the river in a high tide, and pain keeps nagging on my tears to drop out of my eyes like the heavy rain nagging the rivers to flow out of their path and fill the streets.
The pain is a storm smashing everything that comes along, destroying every meaningful thing I currently own, feel or have….I just can’t think of or feel except the pain…no other thing on earth matters.
I don’t know why am I in pain? Is it because I don’t have memories? Or because all of them are pathetic ones? Or because I’m afraid of my next upcoming memory? Or because my fears are chasing me out of love? Or because I’m feeling worthless and it’s tearing me apart? Or because I always give my all for those who deserve nothing? Or because I think I don’t love myself enough to be loved the way I would love to? Or because I keep crying over those who are still crying over their memories? Or because I lost trust in my hopes that I’m terrified to hope anymore? Or because I’m asked for the millionth time to let go of something I didn’t actually have?
Time goes on and I find myself still walking, I’m exhausted and I can’t find somewhere to rest, I can see my house getting further and I’m getting wet … is it raining? Or my tears that ain’t stopping? And I wonder where will my walk end and when will I’ll get dry and how will I hang on till this happen?”
Putting all these questions aside, the only thing I always wanted to make sure of is to have no regrets in my life, knowing that every mistake was a choice, and every choice was part of my destiny and my destiny will lead me to something great at the end, as long as I can take my u-turns in the streets I know I shouldn’t be wasting time at anymore.
…Haven’t I just missed that u-turn??
I’ve kept walking alone with a flash back carrying all my heartaches and carrying all my pathetic memories. Amongst the memories that keep squeezing my heart away from the present’s optimism, energy and opportunities, I find millions of questions and answers fighting in my head like a jigsaw puzzle that I’m trying to put together not knowing how the final picture should be. I find myself asking if it’s better to have good, bad or no memories at all?
People remember their lovers and cry, on the other hand, others do not have lovers to remember and still they cry for not having one. End of the day, both keep wondering why … and both keep thinking how they would go on and if they can ever find the real one!
I found my tears filling my eyes like the river in a high tide, and pain keeps nagging on my tears to drop out of my eyes like the heavy rain nagging the rivers to flow out of their path and fill the streets.
The pain is a storm smashing everything that comes along, destroying every meaningful thing I currently own, feel or have….I just can’t think of or feel except the pain…no other thing on earth matters.
I don’t know why am I in pain? Is it because I don’t have memories? Or because all of them are pathetic ones? Or because I’m afraid of my next upcoming memory? Or because my fears are chasing me out of love? Or because I’m feeling worthless and it’s tearing me apart? Or because I always give my all for those who deserve nothing? Or because I think I don’t love myself enough to be loved the way I would love to? Or because I keep crying over those who are still crying over their memories? Or because I lost trust in my hopes that I’m terrified to hope anymore? Or because I’m asked for the millionth time to let go of something I didn’t actually have?
Time goes on and I find myself still walking, I’m exhausted and I can’t find somewhere to rest, I can see my house getting further and I’m getting wet … is it raining? Or my tears that ain’t stopping? And I wonder where will my walk end and when will I’ll get dry and how will I hang on till this happen?”
Putting all these questions aside, the only thing I always wanted to make sure of is to have no regrets in my life, knowing that every mistake was a choice, and every choice was part of my destiny and my destiny will lead me to something great at the end, as long as I can take my u-turns in the streets I know I shouldn’t be wasting time at anymore.
…Haven’t I just missed that u-turn??
Friday, July 9, 2010
Diary-9: Never Give it Up
“Never let your grief control your life
Never stay down too long
Because the world won't stop for you
It may hurt us deep inside
It may leave traces to hide
It may be hard that we abide
But every night brings a new day
All the wounds will heal one day
Just keep the hope and always pray
No matter how long, it will not stay
Or it will leave just a darker tissue
Just to remember but it won't be an issue
So, say no to whatever slows down your life's rate
Follow your dreams and achieve them before it's too late.”
It really feels good feeling above things. Never caring to whatever distracts you on your journey. Never looking back and losing sight. But sometimes, we just can’t help but look from the corner of our eyes at our past and think of it. Would the past bring more of good or bad memories? Or nothing at all? What about the question marks that never found their partners…their answers?
Never stay down too long
Because the world won't stop for you
It may hurt us deep inside
It may leave traces to hide
It may be hard that we abide
But every night brings a new day
All the wounds will heal one day
Just keep the hope and always pray
No matter how long, it will not stay
Or it will leave just a darker tissue
Just to remember but it won't be an issue
So, say no to whatever slows down your life's rate
Follow your dreams and achieve them before it's too late.”
It really feels good feeling above things. Never caring to whatever distracts you on your journey. Never looking back and losing sight. But sometimes, we just can’t help but look from the corner of our eyes at our past and think of it. Would the past bring more of good or bad memories? Or nothing at all? What about the question marks that never found their partners…their answers?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Diary-8: Don't let go
“The longer you wait, the sweeter the prize
The harder it gets, the shorter the heights
And if worse things go, the sooner they’ll be better
If it seems to be far, don’t let your hopes scatter
If your dream didn’t come true, tomorrow it will
Just keep up the spirit and keep strong the will
If you once failed, then success is a step nearer
Step out of the shade and make your goal clearer
Don’t you escape, you’ll push your dream away
Just love it the most and think of it all day
No sun rose before except after the dull
No heaven feels good except after the hell”
The harder it gets, the shorter the heights
And if worse things go, the sooner they’ll be better
If it seems to be far, don’t let your hopes scatter
If your dream didn’t come true, tomorrow it will
Just keep up the spirit and keep strong the will
If you once failed, then success is a step nearer
Step out of the shade and make your goal clearer
Don’t you escape, you’ll push your dream away
Just love it the most and think of it all day
No sun rose before except after the dull
No heaven feels good except after the hell”
Diary-7: Me and Myself
It’s amazing how we might sleep in a particular state of mind and heart, and then wake up in a totally different one. Yet, our own battles are always present. When we’re losing hope the most, strength comes from above to keep us moving, to give us hope. It’s like energy to be able to ride on the coming roller coasters.
“I say “life is unfair”
I say “God is fair”
I want to burst out crying
I think “Happiness comes when smiling”
I feel “I can’t go on”
I think “You've got to be strong”
I suffer from too much trying
I say “It’s the only option till dying”
I say “I’m hardly hit”
I say “This is when I should most stick”
I think “I need a helping hand to get me through the harm”
I say “It should be this hand at the end of my arm”
I shout “Just get me out of here I want a better place”
I think “don’t lose hope when slow is the pace”
I keep searching but I can’t see the sun
I think “Then stop searching and go have some fun”
I think “There’s no more hope to hang on”
I say “It’s there no matter the road how long
Life is short
Life is challenging
When it ends, it seems like a blink
So when living life, don’t let it disappoint you
Live it happily
Live it to the most
If it’s bad
Be worse
If it’s hard
Be harder
If it’s strong
Be stronger
If it’s bold
Be bolder
If it’s anything
Be anythingier
If there’s a will, definitely there’s a way
Life is offering us a long menu of possibilities to get through to what we want to achieve
Our strength revolves only around our tolerance and patience to what life is bringing to us
Our happiness lies in how much we control our perception to what’s going on
When feeling down
And out of struggling power
Take some rest
But don’t ever give up
You’ll be the only loser
The world never stops for our grief
Life never gives second chances to the weak”
Sounds good, and there’s more yet of this spirit to come. The more we give of something the more we have of it, they say. Like the saying “What goes around, comes around” it works for good things as well.
“I say “life is unfair”
I say “God is fair”
I want to burst out crying
I think “Happiness comes when smiling”
I feel “I can’t go on”
I think “You've got to be strong”
I suffer from too much trying
I say “It’s the only option till dying”
I say “I’m hardly hit”
I say “This is when I should most stick”
I think “I need a helping hand to get me through the harm”
I say “It should be this hand at the end of my arm”
I shout “Just get me out of here I want a better place”
I think “don’t lose hope when slow is the pace”
I keep searching but I can’t see the sun
I think “Then stop searching and go have some fun”
I think “There’s no more hope to hang on”
I say “It’s there no matter the road how long
Life is short
Life is challenging
When it ends, it seems like a blink
So when living life, don’t let it disappoint you
Live it happily
Live it to the most
If it’s bad
Be worse
If it’s hard
Be harder
If it’s strong
Be stronger
If it’s bold
Be bolder
If it’s anything
Be anythingier
If there’s a will, definitely there’s a way
Life is offering us a long menu of possibilities to get through to what we want to achieve
Our strength revolves only around our tolerance and patience to what life is bringing to us
Our happiness lies in how much we control our perception to what’s going on
When feeling down
And out of struggling power
Take some rest
But don’t ever give up
You’ll be the only loser
The world never stops for our grief
Life never gives second chances to the weak”
Sounds good, and there’s more yet of this spirit to come. The more we give of something the more we have of it, they say. Like the saying “What goes around, comes around” it works for good things as well.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Diary-6: Taking off my skin
Yes! I have figured it out. It’s chocolate cakes and it’s not mirage. It’s just that we forget to heal the pain before getting hurt again. And if only we gave ourselves the chance to heal, we wouldn’t have had to use too much bandages, covering the wounds on the surface, never knowing how deep was the wound and how would it affect our next encounter!
“I haven’t noticed this happening to me,
It was too quick, it was invisible,
After each wound, I used to place a bandage,
This is what I learnt to do, this is what they told me
I thought this is the most right thing to do
To stop bleeding, not to lose much of me,
And I had lots of bandages, with different shapes and materials
Finding the right bandage for the right wound is an art I used to excel at,
When I ran out of bandages, I would go do anything just to have one
I turned crazy, I turned into an addict,
Who might hurt herself only to feel bandages on her skin,
Cover your bleeding, look good with a bandage than a pierce, and move on with your life
This is what I used to tell myself and this is what I used to do
Till one day came, and I found bandages all over my body,
Can’t see a tiny space of my real skin,
It didn’t look good, it didn’t feel good,
Trying to take off the bandages…ouchhhh it hurts too much
But I have to; I don’t like myself like that
I found my fragile, wounded skin still bleeding,
I found it damaged,
I found it dying,
I discovered I forgot to purify my wounds, I overlooked healing them,
Tissues are dead, cure is hopeless,
I just have to take off my skin”
Help … I’m in a coma
“I haven’t noticed this happening to me,
It was too quick, it was invisible,
After each wound, I used to place a bandage,
This is what I learnt to do, this is what they told me
I thought this is the most right thing to do
To stop bleeding, not to lose much of me,
And I had lots of bandages, with different shapes and materials
Finding the right bandage for the right wound is an art I used to excel at,
When I ran out of bandages, I would go do anything just to have one
I turned crazy, I turned into an addict,
Who might hurt herself only to feel bandages on her skin,
Cover your bleeding, look good with a bandage than a pierce, and move on with your life
This is what I used to tell myself and this is what I used to do
Till one day came, and I found bandages all over my body,
Can’t see a tiny space of my real skin,
It didn’t look good, it didn’t feel good,
Trying to take off the bandages…ouchhhh it hurts too much
But I have to; I don’t like myself like that
I found my fragile, wounded skin still bleeding,
I found it damaged,
I found it dying,
I discovered I forgot to purify my wounds, I overlooked healing them,
Tissues are dead, cure is hopeless,
I just have to take off my skin”
Help … I’m in a coma
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Diary-5: Can't go back...Can't go on
“I wish I could blame you for all what’s been done and gone
I wish I could stand the thought … that’s for me another stun
I’ve got a life to live, yet I’m not able to survive
I’m stuck at all the memories between you and I
Never thought one day I’ll cry, that you are around here
When one day your absence was my greatest fear
I’m speechless when it comes to think
How worthless I am to you now
The sour pain and struggle inside me sting
The deepest feelings and takes me down
Don’t tell me it’s all over, and I have to turn the page
Don’t tell me next time take care, not to get inside the cage
I gave my all to you, but for you … it couldn’t be less
I went mountains high and low enough in order to confess
Went down the road so thirsty, with hopes of finding you
I found you at the end, but you just had to go
Wanted to go back to my home, in hopes to revive
Didn’t know my way back, didn’t know how to drive”
…And couldn’t even find you to tell me how can I !
I wish I could stand the thought … that’s for me another stun
I’ve got a life to live, yet I’m not able to survive
I’m stuck at all the memories between you and I
Never thought one day I’ll cry, that you are around here
When one day your absence was my greatest fear
I’m speechless when it comes to think
How worthless I am to you now
The sour pain and struggle inside me sting
The deepest feelings and takes me down
Don’t tell me it’s all over, and I have to turn the page
Don’t tell me next time take care, not to get inside the cage
I gave my all to you, but for you … it couldn’t be less
I went mountains high and low enough in order to confess
Went down the road so thirsty, with hopes of finding you
I found you at the end, but you just had to go
Wanted to go back to my home, in hopes to revive
Didn’t know my way back, didn’t know how to drive”
…And couldn’t even find you to tell me how can I !
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Diary-4: Chocolate Cake
“I’ve found it..
What I’ve been always longing for and never had…
I’m not thinking of anything except the beautiful state I’m in
It just feels so good and I can never think of letting this away
I would be stupid doing that, it’s like being in heaven
I don’t know where did all my suffering and pain go?
They vanished, they disappeared under the spell I have
Each day there’s a new story, a new glance, a new desire
I never thought this level of satisfaction exists anywhere
Being driven by my emotions, I see things differently, they can never be better
I’m flying over the moon, I’m feeling comfortable,
I’m lying in the warm arms of embracement,
I’m inhaling the peaceful breeze of love,
I’m addicted to this figure, to this smell, to this touch, to this taste
Can’t stop the hopes running in my veins from shaking me
Taken by the hands to the gates of compassion
Can’t stand the joy, can’t resist my unsatisfied curiosity
Having wide open spaces, I look for more, and create even more openings
If I’m sleeping, I hope I’ll never wake up……………
The magical charm suddenly breaks into pieces
The stars I had in my hands suddenly go back so high in their skies
The world suddenly paints itself in black
My heart is squeezed and my eyes unfortunately open
And bitter sweetness melts in my throat down through my body
As I find myself swallowing another sweet piece of my favorite chocolate cake
I’ve always feared this truth, that it’s just another piece of chocolate cake I have to digest...
Are many pieces still left for me to eat? ”
Chocolate cakes resemble every favored thing in our lives. As soon as we have it, it sweetness melts away too fast and then we start looking for something else to keep us triggered. We’re never really fulfilled. Like a mirage, once we get there, it disappears.
Will we keep chasing the mirage forever? And if yes, who will we be blaming?
What I’ve been always longing for and never had…
I’m not thinking of anything except the beautiful state I’m in
It just feels so good and I can never think of letting this away
I would be stupid doing that, it’s like being in heaven
I don’t know where did all my suffering and pain go?
They vanished, they disappeared under the spell I have
Each day there’s a new story, a new glance, a new desire
I never thought this level of satisfaction exists anywhere
Being driven by my emotions, I see things differently, they can never be better
I’m flying over the moon, I’m feeling comfortable,
I’m lying in the warm arms of embracement,
I’m inhaling the peaceful breeze of love,
I’m addicted to this figure, to this smell, to this touch, to this taste
Can’t stop the hopes running in my veins from shaking me
Taken by the hands to the gates of compassion
Can’t stand the joy, can’t resist my unsatisfied curiosity
Having wide open spaces, I look for more, and create even more openings
If I’m sleeping, I hope I’ll never wake up……………
The magical charm suddenly breaks into pieces
The stars I had in my hands suddenly go back so high in their skies
The world suddenly paints itself in black
My heart is squeezed and my eyes unfortunately open
And bitter sweetness melts in my throat down through my body
As I find myself swallowing another sweet piece of my favorite chocolate cake
I’ve always feared this truth, that it’s just another piece of chocolate cake I have to digest...
Are many pieces still left for me to eat? ”
Chocolate cakes resemble every favored thing in our lives. As soon as we have it, it sweetness melts away too fast and then we start looking for something else to keep us triggered. We’re never really fulfilled. Like a mirage, once we get there, it disappears.
Will we keep chasing the mirage forever? And if yes, who will we be blaming?
Monday, June 28, 2010
Diary-3: Pause
“What are these moments, which when they come, we would just like to click on the pause button and never let go?
Is it the moment when we’re happy? When we’re satisfied? When we’re appreciated?
It can come in different ways to different people, but for me it’s the moment of peace.
It barely comes this moment.
The moment when I can enjoy what I’m really doing, not caring about anything else.
The moment when I just don’t care about the cars driving around me in my life… who’s trying to get me, who’s trying to push me away, and who’s trying to compete, who’s ahead and who’s behind…
The moment when I feel the blossom of love, not thinking of what might happen to ruin it…
The moment when I win the fruits of a long hard journey…
The moment when I do what I feel I want to do and what’s right to do, with no hard feelings, with no guilt, with no considerations to the social mirror…
The moment I give, and feel I made someone happy and comfortable …not paying attention to what should I be getting in return…
The moment I am loved the way I am, with all my drawbacks….
The moment I look into the eyes of others, and understand them and they understand me without saying a word…
The moment I feel I’m free….free of any kind of internal complications, or external magnets…
The moment I feel I got over my weaknesses and the things I tried hard to beat and now they’re dead…
The moment my thoughts, feelings, and actions turn out to be right and true…the moment I trust myself…
Above and beyond….it’s the moment that I feel I’m flying over life, when I feel I’m in heaven, regardless what’s good or bad happening to me,
When the world is not by my side, and when there’s too many things occupying my life’s span…I just feel I want to PAUSE …sometime ALONE…sometime to maintain what’s been broken…sometime with no NEWS…sometime AWAY…sometime turned off …OFF life.”
It’s never too long after that quite peaceful pause, when a new roller coaster hit my way and grab me quick and fast, just like how my favorite dessert melts in my mouth. How many times do we avoid the things we most love, just because they are the most that hurt us?
Is it the moment when we’re happy? When we’re satisfied? When we’re appreciated?
It can come in different ways to different people, but for me it’s the moment of peace.
It barely comes this moment.
The moment when I can enjoy what I’m really doing, not caring about anything else.
The moment when I just don’t care about the cars driving around me in my life… who’s trying to get me, who’s trying to push me away, and who’s trying to compete, who’s ahead and who’s behind…
The moment when I feel the blossom of love, not thinking of what might happen to ruin it…
The moment when I win the fruits of a long hard journey…
The moment when I do what I feel I want to do and what’s right to do, with no hard feelings, with no guilt, with no considerations to the social mirror…
The moment I give, and feel I made someone happy and comfortable …not paying attention to what should I be getting in return…
The moment I am loved the way I am, with all my drawbacks….
The moment I look into the eyes of others, and understand them and they understand me without saying a word…
The moment I feel I’m free….free of any kind of internal complications, or external magnets…
The moment I feel I got over my weaknesses and the things I tried hard to beat and now they’re dead…
The moment my thoughts, feelings, and actions turn out to be right and true…the moment I trust myself…
Above and beyond….it’s the moment that I feel I’m flying over life, when I feel I’m in heaven, regardless what’s good or bad happening to me,
When the world is not by my side, and when there’s too many things occupying my life’s span…I just feel I want to PAUSE …sometime ALONE…sometime to maintain what’s been broken…sometime with no NEWS…sometime AWAY…sometime turned off …OFF life.”
It’s never too long after that quite peaceful pause, when a new roller coaster hit my way and grab me quick and fast, just like how my favorite dessert melts in my mouth. How many times do we avoid the things we most love, just because they are the most that hurt us?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Diary-2: Ugly Truth or Beautiful lies?
I’m shocked….
Can’t believe I’d take the risk to trust someone that blindly before…
A trust that made me do things beyond my own imagination…
It felt so weird….and so odd at the same time
A storm of confusions and contradicting decisions distract my logic….distract my emotional stability
It’s like the spider web and I’m caught in…
It’s like an elastic rubber band…the further I’m away, the closer I go back…
Trust was what always pulled me back…
Your truth has been hurting me but I accepted it and might have even loved it…
But I cannot accept your lies..
Sometimes people may lie on us, just because they don’t want to hurt us
But didn’t they think that their lies may hurt us even more?
At least they tell us the ugly truth but yet we trust them
But if they told us the beautiful lies, one day the ugly truth will show itself to us and a broken trust can never be fixed
Why do you lie on me when I know and accept your ugly truth?
Why do you trade my trust in you for a beautiful lie ... for an easy escape?
Why do you spend effort covering your lies instead of paying the same effort to fix them?
You’ve cut me in the bone…
I would have preferred to hear your ugly truth for the millionth time
Rather than being shocked to see you lying on me once”
I could never know if these feelings went through to that person ever, and also I’m uncertain whether my perception for things was right or not. It’s the roller coaster again, throwing me from believing to doubting over again and again.
At these moments, I throw myself out and wait on the sidewalk, take my breath and pause for a couple of minutes, I might find the answers somewhere else!
Can’t believe I’d take the risk to trust someone that blindly before…
A trust that made me do things beyond my own imagination…
It felt so weird….and so odd at the same time
A storm of confusions and contradicting decisions distract my logic….distract my emotional stability
It’s like the spider web and I’m caught in…
It’s like an elastic rubber band…the further I’m away, the closer I go back…
Trust was what always pulled me back…
Your truth has been hurting me but I accepted it and might have even loved it…
But I cannot accept your lies..
Sometimes people may lie on us, just because they don’t want to hurt us
But didn’t they think that their lies may hurt us even more?
At least they tell us the ugly truth but yet we trust them
But if they told us the beautiful lies, one day the ugly truth will show itself to us and a broken trust can never be fixed
Why do you lie on me when I know and accept your ugly truth?
Why do you trade my trust in you for a beautiful lie ... for an easy escape?
Why do you spend effort covering your lies instead of paying the same effort to fix them?
You’ve cut me in the bone…
I would have preferred to hear your ugly truth for the millionth time
Rather than being shocked to see you lying on me once”
I could never know if these feelings went through to that person ever, and also I’m uncertain whether my perception for things was right or not. It’s the roller coaster again, throwing me from believing to doubting over again and again.
At these moments, I throw myself out and wait on the sidewalk, take my breath and pause for a couple of minutes, I might find the answers somewhere else!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Diary-1: Think Twice
My diaries as a rollercoaster rider describe not only me and how I think or feel, it describes many feelings around us that might be hidden and concealed. Contradictions of reality with fake, of words with actions, of love with anger, of optimism with hopelessness and of good with evil.
Every time I go up on a roller coaster or see people up there, I think I should look at the mirror and … “Think Twice”; may be what we see is not necessarily what is real! And I think …
“Would I be disrespectful for expressing my pure human needs, why not natural?
Would I be rude for not being a hypocrite, why not straight forward?
Would I be aggressive for stating my case assertively, why not confident?
Would I be a child when I hang on to these things I love, why not loyal?
Would I be naïve when I keep pending judgment till I have reasoning, why not understanding?
Would I be ignoring when I delay my act till I have wise judgment, why not mature?
Would I be disloyal when I leave those who did not try to keep me, why not unfortunate?
Would I be a liar when I hide the truth not to hurt someone, why not considerate?
Would I be bold when I do what I think is right even if no one agrees with me, why not positive?
Would I be ignorant if I keep asking, why not learning?
Would I be flabby if I accept all types of diversity, why not open minded?
Would I be a sly when I don’t share every tiny detail about myself, why not private?
Would I be hasty when I defend myself before being attacked, why not protective?
Would I be pretending when I’m trying to act and think like how I want to be, why not ambitious?
Would I be inhuman when I do whatever it takes to achieve my goals, why not determinant?
Would I be a weirdo when I think of something no one before me thought of, why not creative?
Would I be stupid when I’m not convinced with your points of view, why not doubtful?
Would I be coward when I keep my mouth shut just because I need some more time, why not wise?
Would I be uninvited when I am mistaken even if for the first time, why not forgive me?
Would I be fanatical when I keep loving you not waiting for anything in return, why not devoted?
Would I be judged for what I thought of even if I didn’t do, why not thoughtful?
Would I be crazy for laughing the loudest when I’m badly hurt, why not adapting?
Would I be anonymous when I disregard my needs for the sake of yours, why not compassionate?
Would I be unkind when I speak up and ask for my rights, why not certain?
Would I be interfering when I keep asking how you’re doing, why not caring?
Would I be desperate when you leave me and I come back to you, why not loving?
Would I be selfish if I expect a compromise, why not optimistic?
Would I be stubborn when I don't let go of my dreams, why not hopeful?”
And it all can be turned right side left, once trust is lost, when we start doubting not only ourselves, but everything and everyone around us. They say trust people till they prove untrustworthy, and I say “Don’t trust people till they prove trustworthy” …and when you trust them, they still may turn you down and then you’ll be left shocked.
I AM SHOCKED !!!
Every time I go up on a roller coaster or see people up there, I think I should look at the mirror and … “Think Twice”; may be what we see is not necessarily what is real! And I think …
“Would I be disrespectful for expressing my pure human needs, why not natural?
Would I be rude for not being a hypocrite, why not straight forward?
Would I be aggressive for stating my case assertively, why not confident?
Would I be a child when I hang on to these things I love, why not loyal?
Would I be naïve when I keep pending judgment till I have reasoning, why not understanding?
Would I be ignoring when I delay my act till I have wise judgment, why not mature?
Would I be disloyal when I leave those who did not try to keep me, why not unfortunate?
Would I be a liar when I hide the truth not to hurt someone, why not considerate?
Would I be bold when I do what I think is right even if no one agrees with me, why not positive?
Would I be ignorant if I keep asking, why not learning?
Would I be flabby if I accept all types of diversity, why not open minded?
Would I be a sly when I don’t share every tiny detail about myself, why not private?
Would I be hasty when I defend myself before being attacked, why not protective?
Would I be pretending when I’m trying to act and think like how I want to be, why not ambitious?
Would I be inhuman when I do whatever it takes to achieve my goals, why not determinant?
Would I be a weirdo when I think of something no one before me thought of, why not creative?
Would I be stupid when I’m not convinced with your points of view, why not doubtful?
Would I be coward when I keep my mouth shut just because I need some more time, why not wise?
Would I be uninvited when I am mistaken even if for the first time, why not forgive me?
Would I be fanatical when I keep loving you not waiting for anything in return, why not devoted?
Would I be judged for what I thought of even if I didn’t do, why not thoughtful?
Would I be crazy for laughing the loudest when I’m badly hurt, why not adapting?
Would I be anonymous when I disregard my needs for the sake of yours, why not compassionate?
Would I be unkind when I speak up and ask for my rights, why not certain?
Would I be interfering when I keep asking how you’re doing, why not caring?
Would I be desperate when you leave me and I come back to you, why not loving?
Would I be selfish if I expect a compromise, why not optimistic?
Would I be stubborn when I don't let go of my dreams, why not hopeful?”
And it all can be turned right side left, once trust is lost, when we start doubting not only ourselves, but everything and everyone around us. They say trust people till they prove untrustworthy, and I say “Don’t trust people till they prove trustworthy” …and when you trust them, they still may turn you down and then you’ll be left shocked.
I AM SHOCKED !!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Amusement Park, where the Roller Coaster exists!
It’s one big amusement park, with lots of games to play each day, the most unpredictable surprises and with something new passing along each single second.
Some games in this park are heaven and others are hell, and some others are just a fusion of both.
Can you see how many people there? You’re not alone. Everyone is on their own roller coasters, we can never know who’s enjoying time or being hurt more. They all seem to be playing, even those waiting on the sides.
Tickets’ value for riding roller coasters depends on who’s playing? How is he playing? And how long he’ll stay up there? But it’s usually costly and it’s never left to how much you’ve got in your pocket.If so, I would have been a billionaire!
P.S This is to avoid any misjudgments or misunderstandings. The Amusement Park scheme does not in any way contest the religious views of life and it doesn’t take God and his creation lightly. However, it’s a personal philosophy and view for things.
Some games in this park are heaven and others are hell, and some others are just a fusion of both.
Can you see how many people there? You’re not alone. Everyone is on their own roller coasters, we can never know who’s enjoying time or being hurt more. They all seem to be playing, even those waiting on the sides.
Tickets’ value for riding roller coasters depends on who’s playing? How is he playing? And how long he’ll stay up there? But it’s usually costly and it’s never left to how much you’ve got in your pocket.If so, I would have been a billionaire!
P.S This is to avoid any misjudgments or misunderstandings. The Amusement Park scheme does not in any way contest the religious views of life and it doesn’t take God and his creation lightly. However, it’s a personal philosophy and view for things.
The Roller Coaster Rider
It’s been always easier for me to express myself by writing more than any other way. I don’t know why, but may be because I’m not in a rush to express myself, or may be because I can erase whatever I write without regrets, or may be because I don’t consider how anyone would think about what I write. May be escaping judgments or spontaneous reactions! I don’t know, and I wouldn’t really give it that much time to think it out as long as it makes me feel better and as long as I deliver my feelings and thoughts through it, not only to the person in mind, but to the whole world.
My writings, I consider to be my treasure. They’re my unspoken words, buried feelings and unconsciousness revealed. They’re my relief when I write them and inspiration when I read them from time to time.
Have been always thinking I have something wrong; being moody, crazy and emotional. Used to regret many things, used to burst out whenever and however I want to, used to show whatever I feel, used to get attached easily to things and people. But today, while writing these exact words, I’m not thinking of intentionally changing any of these things in myself. Not because I’m not seeking development, but because these are some of my traits that make me the person I am today, and the person getting all this out of herself. If I wasn’t all that, I wouldn’t have been “The Rollercoaster Rider”.
An important conclusion I realized from the frequent observations of my friends’ and people’s confusions, own struggles, thoughts and feelings ; is that it was extremely few when I found someone who doesn’t become a victim of the roller coaster at points of time. Since then, I considered life as one big amusement park with our hearts and minds as the visitors, going from one roller coaster to another. At that time, I felt relieved that even growing up and getting mature one day after the other won’t set me free from the rollercoaster swings.
What identifies my roller coaster is that "It's too fast to take a breath, and too slow to come to an end"
My writings, I consider to be my treasure. They’re my unspoken words, buried feelings and unconsciousness revealed. They’re my relief when I write them and inspiration when I read them from time to time.
Have been always thinking I have something wrong; being moody, crazy and emotional. Used to regret many things, used to burst out whenever and however I want to, used to show whatever I feel, used to get attached easily to things and people. But today, while writing these exact words, I’m not thinking of intentionally changing any of these things in myself. Not because I’m not seeking development, but because these are some of my traits that make me the person I am today, and the person getting all this out of herself. If I wasn’t all that, I wouldn’t have been “The Rollercoaster Rider”.
An important conclusion I realized from the frequent observations of my friends’ and people’s confusions, own struggles, thoughts and feelings ; is that it was extremely few when I found someone who doesn’t become a victim of the roller coaster at points of time. Since then, I considered life as one big amusement park with our hearts and minds as the visitors, going from one roller coaster to another. At that time, I felt relieved that even growing up and getting mature one day after the other won’t set me free from the rollercoaster swings.
What identifies my roller coaster is that "It's too fast to take a breath, and too slow to come to an end"
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