God knows more for sure....

I got into my car and closed the doors and burst into tears that were never ending till I arrived home.

Just finished my psychotherapy, that lasted for one hour. This is too long with a psychiatrist.

I kept crying with my friend beside speechless and helpless; she never saw me this way before. No one really saw me this way before because I used to keep my weak side to myself. But it wasn’t being weak, it was being powerless.
Took my way home, and my friend kept talking about things she thinks they relate. She was trying to calm me down, she tried using many techniques I was aware…but nothing worked.

I drove her to her car and then took my way home …alone.
I’ve become more comfortable alone. Not a privacy issue as much as a discrepancy one.
Nile FM was playing too low when she was inside my car, and when she went out and found myself alone – even though I wanted to be alone- I couldn’t stand the silence. It’s the discrepancy issue, disagreeing on everything even the sound that’s screaming from within and wants me to hear it. But I can’t let it out. I turned the radio loud and louder and louder till it became louder than the voices screaming inside of me and I’m trying to escape. As if I’m escaping my past. I wanted anything to distract my restless feelings and thoughts. But the loudest radio couldn’t get be diverted.

I kept driving and listening to the songs. Not knowing what the next song could be made me think of life. No one really knows what’s coming next. It might be a song we like or a song we dislike but it’s all just fate and we need to accept it. To make the fact even more sour we are option less. It’s either we accept it, agree with it and cope and live with it or we just die. Yes, we DIE. We die by suicide or we die alive.. Because life just keeps moving on and life doesn’t know those who stop for their grief. Yes again life is cruel and it needs tough people to live it….or they die…again.

Kept thinking of the flow of songs that we don’t know what’s coming next but we always have hope that the next song is a one we’ll like!

I haven’t yet reached the level of being hopeless, but I reached the level of living with hopes that seems to be going nowhere. I thought to myself like “who knows when you go and sleep what would happen tomorrow? Or even what would happen the very next moment?” and even though I thought that way many times in my life and things were never better, I still find myself thinking this way. As if the hope I always had is still hanging on the stars, waiting for me to be stronger and tougher and bitter till I’m able to go up so high and catch it. But I just can’t do it this time. That’s what my logic says because the moment of happiness I’ve been praying for since ever haven’t come yet. On the other hand, I just can’t this time. This time I went down in earth so deep that it needs all the world’s powers to get me up to earth again. And again, I’m option less, it’s either I live it or I die.

I arrived home, with bumps all over my face from crying too hard. Even my tears couldn’t erase all the grief and struggle I have inside. I went to the bathroom quickly, took off my clothes quickly as if I was trying to get rid of everything as if I can’t bear anything. I don’t know why?

I got into the shower and let the water wash me. I kept scratching my skin too hard, I wanted to get rid of my past, all the memories. I thought water could do anything. As if these memories are waste I want get rid of just like the dust I had on my skin from a long hard day outdoors. I felt better, I felt relaxed…my memories were not cleaned and will never be.

You’ll just stay there, like a jack in the box, jumping up in my face whenever I come close to any subject related to you, to relationships or to love in general.

By midnight I concluded I can’t blame you for anything. This really suited how the night was getting darker and darker. By every level darker in the night, my pain was getting deeper and harder, finding myself the only one to blame.
I closed my eyes with the same type of hope I always had; the hopes that do not know where to take me…but I’m sure God knows.