"Lost in the middle of NO WHERE"

It's 2 pm on a very hot Ramadan day and I'm awfully tired.

I don't know what pushed me out of bed, got me out of my pyjamas and into my outing wear, pulled my hands to take the car keys, bag and my favourite gadget - the notebook and pen, walked me out of home and to the nearest Cilantro "The place I always go with the dearests and Alone sometimes", just to sit and MAY BE write something that would make me feel contained.

It's been a couple of days paralysed and frozen, unable to get anything into paper. Not beong able to write does not necessarily mean I have nothing going on my head or heart, it might be what's going on is so chaoetic to be arranged in any sense of structure that can be understood by any normal person. Words keep struglling in and out, abive and underneath inside of me and I just don't know where the hell should I direct them except into my notebook...God keep notebooks for me...

It amazes me how much I've already written now even thought I don't know what exactly I want to express! Is it the anger that I don't know from where is it coming? Or the sadness and desperation I thought were gone a couple of days ago?..I remember I prayed they never come back! Or may be I want to express my confusion and distraction between every single thing and its extreme opposite..am I ever going to get over my "extremes" sickness?

Anyway, it's just the "lost in the middle of no where" fever I suffer from every now and then. It's just coming stronger and more painful every time than the time before it..and it should, actually...I never had any antibiotics for this type of fever!

Then I thought to myself "why should I write and share? and who cares?" but is it just because the people I want them to care are not caring means that no one cares? and is it truely that they don't care or they just don't care enough or in the way I'ld like to see them caring? NO.
It's not about who cares anyway, it's that according to feedback from people, I can touch deeper thoughts by my words that were left unvisited and uncovered. This only reminds me that "I'm not alone in the amusement park, and I"m not alone on that rollercoaster"...it encourages me to keep my strength to complete the journey.

Then I remembered an old friend I once had and who turned my life upside down...but it wasn't him, it was me who was waiting for someone to come and shake this life a little bit, just a little bit..not THAT BIG BIT...he shaked it and left and now I'm "lost inthe middle of no where"...

Everything changes, and again "Change is the only constant" and I have to deal with it, find a way to adapt and just live. But it's not only life that I want to live..I'm not that stupid. Why should I bargain a finite life with a never ending heavenly one?
A voice within tell me "it's not an either-or decision...you can live both happily" but it's just not me. I don't mean I have love for evil, but I have love for all types of freedom and pleasure, a life where I put my own rules without abiding to anyone's orders...but I just can't find it easy here. I keep wondering day after day about why do we have to suffer? why pain is a subset from living? why don't we just live and feel good about it? why is it always hard to get to the things we most want in life - if we DO get it at the end- and then why the pleasure we thought was once and will alwayd be there fades away?

Another inner voice speaks out to tell me that it's the way God shows and reminds us that life itself is fading and going away one day sooner or later.

I stopped writing for sometime, but ain't this not thinking. I was thinking. A song distracted me when I heard the singer singing "I just love you the way you are".....is there anyone out there like this man?is it just a song...that its words are left untouched my the reality we have to live in?..but I am one and I do...but all with the wrong people I'm mostly rejected by...unfortunately!!!or may be fortunately if I got to know the unknown!

Friends tell me I should stop thinking. But that's not how the mind works! The mind never rests down until it find the answers, and it doesn't settle except for the logical answers. I can't imagine a question mark and just leave it there!!! Nevertheless, I've been trying for sometime to intentionally stop myself everytime I find my mind reaching out for a question or analysis.

I thought to call a friend to talk with, but I've been always talking to friends and I used to have the issue of having so many close friends to whom I open up. I found out now that it's because my mind is in a contuos search for answers that calms it down..but I never had the opportunity of one answer's satosfaction and now I think nothing in the whole world would be more satisfaying than a hug, one long lasting warn innocent hug. May be it's just longing for some sense of embracement! I've always had the need of belongingness but I never really found it.

Music stopped for the prayers and I stopped writing since I felt everything pausing around me. It's time to go home now, go back to bed and give my mind a little rest...