A cockroach's last minutes

Dressing well means too much to me...at least more than just wearing anything I find infront of eyes in the closet before I go down by 10 minutes.
Dressing means at least knowing what I'll be wearing tomorrow at work from the night before. This happens by trying 2 or more outfits in a time till I feel comfortable of the thing I'll be wearing. Definitly it might take some more effort if where I'm going is another place than work!

That shouldn't mean I care about the outside more than the inside, it just reflects my complicated character....but it's okay with me

Anyway, my pleasure tryng different outfits today was distracted by a silly cockroach...YES YIKES... summer is hot...insects try to escape the hot weather to better ones like that I have at my room...but I wasn't willing to share this cool temperatured room with any insects.

Of course the first few minutes were minutes of horror...I had to face it ALONE..my heart beats went faster and I felt I'm meeting the king of fears, like the one Mario has to kill at the last stage to be able to live with his princess happily everafter...poor Mario...but poor me now..what can I do with that little flying cockroach? How am I gonna get rid of it?

The cockroach reached the edge of a drawer and stood there for a couple of minuites (which is a long time at such a situation) and I stood there too...we weren't much different at that time. We were both thinking what to do next? As a human being I was supposed to be smarter, less scared and more quick at an action......but taht didn't happen. The cockroach flew ...that was when I understood it "FLIES TOO"...shiiit

we had a hot fight in the room; it flies and I run, it flies and I run then spray it with raid and filled the room with all the raid that was in the bottle...this made me think of how weak a human being is....I am afraid of a cockroach that is even smaller than my feet's smallest toe!! God!! Then I thought that finally something came across my fear from life...and I kept spraying and spraying till it dropped beside my bed, I saw it dying but I didn't stop spraying it..as if I was taking revenge or as if I was proving to myself that I'm stronger...or as if I was trying to combat my fear of life disgusing it in my fear from the cockroach...

I watched it as it dies...a sense of victory calmed me down, my heart beats went down to their normal rate again, but my mind didn't stop thinking "If I'm gonna think of every cockroch I meet that way, then I shouldn't really be asking life to be less complicated"

Forget me not

I opened my eyes today from one deep sleeping night...
I closed them again when I found out there's nothing too amuzing to do, nothing that really interests me to open my eyes and start the day...

They call this a depression symptom; when you have no interest to do anything and when you're not willing to live another day...and what would today bring? why today would be a different day?

Writing from the furthest and deepest area within, the area where each painful memory is usually thrown in hopes to be recycled into immunity for living, from the hut that was built within throughout the years of struggling. Like I've been running since a very long time ago, and I"m exhausted, there are no rest stops, there is no water, running towards what I want the most but what I want the most seems to be running too away from me! So I keep running and pushing myself to run even harder and faster so that may be I can catch it one day and I change direction when I find out that I might be wrong, mistaken or misdirected..I swear I don't insist on anything but the thing I want and I keep running and running and running...

Today I stopped running, today I decided I am not running anymore again, because I am tired...
Today I'm gonna sit down and relax and watch life...just WATCH. If it ain't getting better then at least I didn't exhaust myself for nothing. I'll put my heart into the freezer and my mind into one relaxing jacuzzi.

It's only me who matters; won't put extra loads on my shoulders, won't call for anymore slogans, won't go out of my track again, won't hope for anything more than what I have now and I won't hope it will last with me, because everything is going away one day and I ain't gonna stay here forever. Even you! and it pierces my chest. After letting everything down, I can't find myself letting go of one last wish if I ever had to live without you..may you forget me not.

"Lost in the middle of NO WHERE"

It's 2 pm on a very hot Ramadan day and I'm awfully tired.

I don't know what pushed me out of bed, got me out of my pyjamas and into my outing wear, pulled my hands to take the car keys, bag and my favourite gadget - the notebook and pen, walked me out of home and to the nearest Cilantro "The place I always go with the dearests and Alone sometimes", just to sit and MAY BE write something that would make me feel contained.

It's been a couple of days paralysed and frozen, unable to get anything into paper. Not beong able to write does not necessarily mean I have nothing going on my head or heart, it might be what's going on is so chaoetic to be arranged in any sense of structure that can be understood by any normal person. Words keep struglling in and out, abive and underneath inside of me and I just don't know where the hell should I direct them except into my notebook...God keep notebooks for me...

It amazes me how much I've already written now even thought I don't know what exactly I want to express! Is it the anger that I don't know from where is it coming? Or the sadness and desperation I thought were gone a couple of days ago?..I remember I prayed they never come back! Or may be I want to express my confusion and distraction between every single thing and its extreme opposite..am I ever going to get over my "extremes" sickness?

Anyway, it's just the "lost in the middle of no where" fever I suffer from every now and then. It's just coming stronger and more painful every time than the time before it..and it should, actually...I never had any antibiotics for this type of fever!

Then I thought to myself "why should I write and share? and who cares?" but is it just because the people I want them to care are not caring means that no one cares? and is it truely that they don't care or they just don't care enough or in the way I'ld like to see them caring? NO.
It's not about who cares anyway, it's that according to feedback from people, I can touch deeper thoughts by my words that were left unvisited and uncovered. This only reminds me that "I'm not alone in the amusement park, and I"m not alone on that rollercoaster"...it encourages me to keep my strength to complete the journey.

Then I remembered an old friend I once had and who turned my life upside down...but it wasn't him, it was me who was waiting for someone to come and shake this life a little bit, just a little bit..not THAT BIG BIT...he shaked it and left and now I'm "lost inthe middle of no where"...

Everything changes, and again "Change is the only constant" and I have to deal with it, find a way to adapt and just live. But it's not only life that I want to live..I'm not that stupid. Why should I bargain a finite life with a never ending heavenly one?
A voice within tell me "it's not an either-or decision...you can live both happily" but it's just not me. I don't mean I have love for evil, but I have love for all types of freedom and pleasure, a life where I put my own rules without abiding to anyone's orders...but I just can't find it easy here. I keep wondering day after day about why do we have to suffer? why pain is a subset from living? why don't we just live and feel good about it? why is it always hard to get to the things we most want in life - if we DO get it at the end- and then why the pleasure we thought was once and will alwayd be there fades away?

Another inner voice speaks out to tell me that it's the way God shows and reminds us that life itself is fading and going away one day sooner or later.

I stopped writing for sometime, but ain't this not thinking. I was thinking. A song distracted me when I heard the singer singing "I just love you the way you are".....is there anyone out there like this man?is it just a song...that its words are left untouched my the reality we have to live in?..but I am one and I do...but all with the wrong people I'm mostly rejected by...unfortunately!!!or may be fortunately if I got to know the unknown!

Friends tell me I should stop thinking. But that's not how the mind works! The mind never rests down until it find the answers, and it doesn't settle except for the logical answers. I can't imagine a question mark and just leave it there!!! Nevertheless, I've been trying for sometime to intentionally stop myself everytime I find my mind reaching out for a question or analysis.

I thought to call a friend to talk with, but I've been always talking to friends and I used to have the issue of having so many close friends to whom I open up. I found out now that it's because my mind is in a contuos search for answers that calms it down..but I never had the opportunity of one answer's satosfaction and now I think nothing in the whole world would be more satisfaying than a hug, one long lasting warn innocent hug. May be it's just longing for some sense of embracement! I've always had the need of belongingness but I never really found it.

Music stopped for the prayers and I stopped writing since I felt everything pausing around me. It's time to go home now, go back to bed and give my mind a little rest...

I'll keep my hopes UNBROKEN

Yeah sure I'ld do!

What? Strange about the rollercoaster? haha yes it is, but it's true...

Today is my day and no one else's

Today is a new day for me...and might be the last, but it's nothing pathetic

Today the sun rose just for me,

Today the sun left to leave space for the moon to come and lighten all the darkness I have,

Today is the day, yesterday is a learnt lesson, and tommorrow is a hope,

I am not afraid to hope..after I was...

I've built a new friendship with my hopes because I understood - the hard way- that I cannot live without them,

Today my hopes talked to me, and told me they're sad 'cause I left them and I left them crying...I misjudged hopes and said they never come and said they broken me..but they did not..

It was me who's calling from so far, further than hopes can go....

Today...I keep my hopes unbroken because they mean alot to me...

And I'll keep them unbroken that way; "when I'm not sure, I won't hope, I'll just have faith that the best thing will happen" I'll keep them unbroken by expecting nothing, by living for nothing but NOW...yeah I should learn to live for now only and learn how to enjoy it....

The rollercoaster rider got dizzy from the rollercoasters and wants to enjoy life some good time..we won't be here twice and it's worth living to the max...it's uneasy but not impossible..

Love you hopes when I put you into perspective...

Love you hopes when they're tied by faith that God and only God will put you and I in the right place at teh right time..

So again, I'll keep my hopes UNBROKEN, I'll tie them to faith,
I won't give up on to LOVE, because oh yes I know the best love,the warmest partner and the hitting story is yet to come,
I'll TREASURE my memories, but I won't keep looking at them so that I can sea ahead and move on,
I won't keep my feet on the ground, beacuse I'll pay for wings to fly ;)

Too much for one day

Well, it's puzzling me from where shall I start? From my fasting? or from the link between ramadan, food and exaggerating social gathering that I can't figure it? or from the terrible accident I saw happening infront of my eyes, not knowing where did the fate of the riding people take them? or from a best friend's birthday that brought life to my friendship with her????And even more,,when I reflect on it all I find them all related.

It was a huge roller coaster for one day! But everything pass, the good and the bad. And it all ends up with me every night with my favourite buddy -that I don't know what I would do without- alone....my laptop.

A good day for me is the day that I find myself enjoying every minute, not because it was filled by good moments, but because they were quality moments. The good I live them, enjoy and smile from the bottom of my heart..and the bad I live them knowing they're my experiences that formulate my character, challanging them to prove I'm strong, and learn from them to be wiser.

Take me home

Have you ever heard about “crying without tears”? Certainly, we all did. Have you ever thought what is it really about? I found out tonight.

After days and nights of constant fears, confusions, frustrations, shocks and disappointments, I found it all out.

It’s the heart crying instead of the eyes, and the blood falling instead of the tears…a constant whole in my heart. Constant bleeding…can’t find a way to stop it.

And how would I stop it when everything reminds me of you?

My friends, my home, my family, my work, my car, my clothes, my stuff, the places I go, the songs I hear, the books I read, the thoughts I write….everything! Even my own breaths and heart beats, reminds me of you.

I stay in bed holding my pillow so tight in my hug, trying to fill in the emptiness I feel inside, the out of life sucked feelings….the heart that passed away.
Then I look at my right hand, it also reminds me of you..and I reach it out to hold your hands, with which I felt warmth, but I only reach out to my other hand…trying to feel complete on my own.

I close my eyes that rarely taste sleep now, I try to let go, taking a deep breath in, while taking in all what I have to swallow, then I exhale with hopes all the hurt might get out with my breath.

The dream I had one day is turning into a nightmare, and I can’t help but feel like I’ll never wake up.

I don’t want to run away, but I can’t take it and I don’t understand what the world is trying to tell me.

You developed the desperate within me. Don’t get tricked with that smile on my face.

May anyone take me home?

I just hate to see you go

You left and took away with you what’s left of breaths in my lungs.

That loss is killing me, it’s piercing my heart.

I’ve always had the hopes that you won’t leave me, and you didn’t… I was the one who did, and you let me go.

Being in hell with you, and being in hell without you...where’s heaven then?
Where’s my happiness? Where’s my satisfaction? I don’t know!
Someone turned on the fan on my life and all the paper is scattered up in the air and down on the floors of my inexperienced and innocent bottom….that bottom of my deepest love.

Every time I gather my scattered paper and myself, someone turns on the fan…enough please. Just leave me alone, but stay here beside me. Stay with me till I’m well all alone…if you really have to go.

If you really have to go, don’t take my heart with you, don’t take my dreams and hopes away from me, don’t take my everything then wonder why I’m not moving on.

Don’t believe me when I ask you to leave me alone. Don’t believe me when I tell you I don’t need you here.

Don’t turn your back to me, when I do this with you.
I feel too powerless to fix the broken pieces of my heart. I feel scared enough not to turn the page, because I’m afraid the coming page might be even worse.
Stuck … I am stuck and I don’t know where to turn…

I feel like being in a maze…a maze without an exit…every road I walk in I find it closed, so I turn and go back to where I was. The same starting point. By time, by repetition, this feeling becomes ugly and starting all over again becomes heavy enough not to carry and believe in.

I just hate to see you go.

Beauty OR the Beast?

My journey with you ain't easy at all, with all the breaks and down falls...I find myself going back to you time after time...and I find you coming back to me time after time!

It's a weird sense of belonging, an unusual feeling of attachemet, and an infinite case of loyalty...

Do I fit into the proverb that says "El 2ott ye7eb 7'ana2o"?? if that's me, then what proverb do YOU fit in?

I failed to know which character I am with you?
Am I the beauty; the kind, the nice, the flexible, the understanding, the forgiving, the embracing, the warm...etc?

Or Am I the beast; the one whose all the opposite? The one who's playing the devil's advocate role? The one who always ruins things?

and which character are you of the two character?

What do I excalty carry to you inside??
What do you exactly carry to me inside??

You hurt me and I just go and hurt you even more deeper...
did you hurt me out of nothing or out of a pain I did before?

Are you my mistake or the price of a previuos one?

Am I destined to stay in this loop forever? Or will you get me out?

Do I seek acceptance while rejecting you? Or am I giving too much acceptance that scares you off?

Who's the Beauty? and who's the Beast?....tell me if you know please!!!

God knows more for sure....

I got into my car and closed the doors and burst into tears that were never ending till I arrived home.

Just finished my psychotherapy, that lasted for one hour. This is too long with a psychiatrist.

I kept crying with my friend beside speechless and helpless; she never saw me this way before. No one really saw me this way before because I used to keep my weak side to myself. But it wasn’t being weak, it was being powerless.
Took my way home, and my friend kept talking about things she thinks they relate. She was trying to calm me down, she tried using many techniques I was aware…but nothing worked.

I drove her to her car and then took my way home …alone.
I’ve become more comfortable alone. Not a privacy issue as much as a discrepancy one.
Nile FM was playing too low when she was inside my car, and when she went out and found myself alone – even though I wanted to be alone- I couldn’t stand the silence. It’s the discrepancy issue, disagreeing on everything even the sound that’s screaming from within and wants me to hear it. But I can’t let it out. I turned the radio loud and louder and louder till it became louder than the voices screaming inside of me and I’m trying to escape. As if I’m escaping my past. I wanted anything to distract my restless feelings and thoughts. But the loudest radio couldn’t get be diverted.

I kept driving and listening to the songs. Not knowing what the next song could be made me think of life. No one really knows what’s coming next. It might be a song we like or a song we dislike but it’s all just fate and we need to accept it. To make the fact even more sour we are option less. It’s either we accept it, agree with it and cope and live with it or we just die. Yes, we DIE. We die by suicide or we die alive.. Because life just keeps moving on and life doesn’t know those who stop for their grief. Yes again life is cruel and it needs tough people to live it….or they die…again.

Kept thinking of the flow of songs that we don’t know what’s coming next but we always have hope that the next song is a one we’ll like!

I haven’t yet reached the level of being hopeless, but I reached the level of living with hopes that seems to be going nowhere. I thought to myself like “who knows when you go and sleep what would happen tomorrow? Or even what would happen the very next moment?” and even though I thought that way many times in my life and things were never better, I still find myself thinking this way. As if the hope I always had is still hanging on the stars, waiting for me to be stronger and tougher and bitter till I’m able to go up so high and catch it. But I just can’t do it this time. That’s what my logic says because the moment of happiness I’ve been praying for since ever haven’t come yet. On the other hand, I just can’t this time. This time I went down in earth so deep that it needs all the world’s powers to get me up to earth again. And again, I’m option less, it’s either I live it or I die.

I arrived home, with bumps all over my face from crying too hard. Even my tears couldn’t erase all the grief and struggle I have inside. I went to the bathroom quickly, took off my clothes quickly as if I was trying to get rid of everything as if I can’t bear anything. I don’t know why?

I got into the shower and let the water wash me. I kept scratching my skin too hard, I wanted to get rid of my past, all the memories. I thought water could do anything. As if these memories are waste I want get rid of just like the dust I had on my skin from a long hard day outdoors. I felt better, I felt relaxed…my memories were not cleaned and will never be.

You’ll just stay there, like a jack in the box, jumping up in my face whenever I come close to any subject related to you, to relationships or to love in general.

By midnight I concluded I can’t blame you for anything. This really suited how the night was getting darker and darker. By every level darker in the night, my pain was getting deeper and harder, finding myself the only one to blame.
I closed my eyes with the same type of hope I always had; the hopes that do not know where to take me…but I’m sure God knows.