Diary-5: Can't go back...Can't go on

“I wish I could blame you for all what’s been done and gone
I wish I could stand the thought … that’s for me another stun

I’ve got a life to live, yet I’m not able to survive
I’m stuck at all the memories between you and I

Never thought one day I’ll cry, that you are around here
When one day your absence was my greatest fear

I’m speechless when it comes to think
How worthless I am to you now

The sour pain and struggle inside me sting
The deepest feelings and takes me down

Don’t tell me it’s all over, and I have to turn the page
Don’t tell me next time take care, not to get inside the cage

I gave my all to you, but for you … it couldn’t be less
I went mountains high and low enough in order to confess

Went down the road so thirsty, with hopes of finding you
I found you at the end, but you just had to go

Wanted to go back to my home, in hopes to revive
Didn’t know my way back, didn’t know how to drive”


…And couldn’t even find you to tell me how can I !

Diary-4: Chocolate Cake

“I’ve found it..

What I’ve been always longing for and never had…

I’m not thinking of anything except the beautiful state I’m in

It just feels so good and I can never think of letting this away

I would be stupid doing that, it’s like being in heaven

I don’t know where did all my suffering and pain go?

They vanished, they disappeared under the spell I have

Each day there’s a new story, a new glance, a new desire

I never thought this level of satisfaction exists anywhere

Being driven by my emotions, I see things differently, they can never be better

I’m flying over the moon, I’m feeling comfortable,
I’m lying in the warm arms of embracement,
I’m inhaling the peaceful breeze of love,
I’m addicted to this figure, to this smell, to this touch, to this taste
Can’t stop the hopes running in my veins from shaking me

Taken by the hands to the gates of compassion
Can’t stand the joy, can’t resist my unsatisfied curiosity

Having wide open spaces, I look for more, and create even more openings
If I’m sleeping, I hope I’ll never wake up……………


The magical charm suddenly breaks into pieces
The stars I had in my hands suddenly go back so high in their skies
The world suddenly paints itself in black
My heart is squeezed and my eyes unfortunately open
And bitter sweetness melts in my throat down through my body
As I find myself swallowing another sweet piece of my favorite chocolate cake

I’ve always feared this truth, that it’s just another piece of chocolate cake I have to digest...


Are many pieces still left for me to eat? ”

Chocolate cakes resemble every favored thing in our lives. As soon as we have it, it sweetness melts away too fast and then we start looking for something else to keep us triggered. We’re never really fulfilled. Like a mirage, once we get there, it disappears.

Will we keep chasing the mirage forever? And if yes, who will we be blaming?

Diary-3: Pause

“What are these moments, which when they come, we would just like to click on the pause button and never let go?
Is it the moment when we’re happy? When we’re satisfied? When we’re appreciated?
It can come in different ways to different people, but for me it’s the moment of peace.

It barely comes this moment.

The moment when I can enjoy what I’m really doing, not caring about anything else.
The moment when I just don’t care about the cars driving around me in my life… who’s trying to get me, who’s trying to push me away, and who’s trying to compete, who’s ahead and who’s behind…

The moment when I feel the blossom of love, not thinking of what might happen to ruin it…

The moment when I win the fruits of a long hard journey…

The moment when I do what I feel I want to do and what’s right to do, with no hard feelings, with no guilt, with no considerations to the social mirror…

The moment I give, and feel I made someone happy and comfortable …not paying attention to what should I be getting in return…

The moment I am loved the way I am, with all my drawbacks….

The moment I look into the eyes of others, and understand them and they understand me without saying a word…

The moment I feel I’m free….free of any kind of internal complications, or external magnets…

The moment I feel I got over my weaknesses and the things I tried hard to beat and now they’re dead…

The moment my thoughts, feelings, and actions turn out to be right and true…the moment I trust myself…

Above and beyond….it’s the moment that I feel I’m flying over life, when I feel I’m in heaven, regardless what’s good or bad happening to me,

When the world is not by my side, and when there’s too many things occupying my life’s span…I just feel I want to PAUSE …sometime ALONE…sometime to maintain what’s been broken…sometime with no NEWS…sometime AWAY…sometime turned off …OFF life.”

It’s never too long after that quite peaceful pause, when a new roller coaster hit my way and grab me quick and fast, just like how my favorite dessert melts in my mouth. How many times do we avoid the things we most love, just because they are the most that hurt us?

Diary-2: Ugly Truth or Beautiful lies?

I’m shocked….

Can’t believe I’d take the risk to trust someone that blindly before…
A trust that made me do things beyond my own imagination…
It felt so weird….and so odd at the same time
A storm of confusions and contradicting decisions distract my logic….distract my emotional stability

It’s like the spider web and I’m caught in…

It’s like an elastic rubber band…the further I’m away, the closer I go back…

Trust was what always pulled me back…

Your truth has been hurting me but I accepted it and might have even loved it…
But I cannot accept your lies..

Sometimes people may lie on us, just because they don’t want to hurt us
But didn’t they think that their lies may hurt us even more?

At least they tell us the ugly truth but yet we trust them
But if they told us the beautiful lies, one day the ugly truth will show itself to us and a broken trust can never be fixed

Why do you lie on me when I know and accept your ugly truth?

Why do you trade my trust in you for a beautiful lie ... for an easy escape?

Why do you spend effort covering your lies instead of paying the same effort to fix them?

You’ve cut me in the bone…

I would have preferred to hear your ugly truth for the millionth time
Rather than being shocked to see you lying on me once”

I could never know if these feelings went through to that person ever, and also I’m uncertain whether my perception for things was right or not. It’s the roller coaster again, throwing me from believing to doubting over again and again.

At these moments, I throw myself out and wait on the sidewalk, take my breath and pause for a couple of minutes, I might find the answers somewhere else!

Diary-1: Think Twice

My diaries as a rollercoaster rider describe not only me and how I think or feel, it describes many feelings around us that might be hidden and concealed. Contradictions of reality with fake, of words with actions, of love with anger, of optimism with hopelessness and of good with evil.

Every time I go up on a roller coaster or see people up there, I think I should look at the mirror and … “Think Twice”; may be what we see is not necessarily what is real! And I think …

“Would I be disrespectful for expressing my pure human needs, why not natural?
Would I be rude for not being a hypocrite, why not straight forward?
Would I be aggressive for stating my case assertively, why not confident?
Would I be a child when I hang on to these things I love, why not loyal?
Would I be naïve when I keep pending judgment till I have reasoning, why not understanding?
Would I be ignoring when I delay my act till I have wise judgment, why not mature?
Would I be disloyal when I leave those who did not try to keep me, why not unfortunate?
Would I be a liar when I hide the truth not to hurt someone, why not considerate?
Would I be bold when I do what I think is right even if no one agrees with me, why not positive?
Would I be ignorant if I keep asking, why not learning?
Would I be flabby if I accept all types of diversity, why not open minded?
Would I be a sly when I don’t share every tiny detail about myself, why not private?
Would I be hasty when I defend myself before being attacked, why not protective?
Would I be pretending when I’m trying to act and think like how I want to be, why not ambitious?
Would I be inhuman when I do whatever it takes to achieve my goals, why not determinant?
Would I be a weirdo when I think of something no one before me thought of, why not creative?
Would I be stupid when I’m not convinced with your points of view, why not doubtful?
Would I be coward when I keep my mouth shut just because I need some more time, why not wise?
Would I be uninvited when I am mistaken even if for the first time, why not forgive me?
Would I be fanatical when I keep loving you not waiting for anything in return, why not devoted?
Would I be judged for what I thought of even if I didn’t do, why not thoughtful?
Would I be crazy for laughing the loudest when I’m badly hurt, why not adapting?
Would I be anonymous when I disregard my needs for the sake of yours, why not compassionate?
Would I be unkind when I speak up and ask for my rights, why not certain?
Would I be interfering when I keep asking how you’re doing, why not caring?
Would I be desperate when you leave me and I come back to you, why not loving?
Would I be selfish if I expect a compromise, why not optimistic?
Would I be stubborn when I don't let go of my dreams, why not hopeful?”

And it all can be turned right side left, once trust is lost, when we start doubting not only ourselves, but everything and everyone around us. They say trust people till they prove untrustworthy, and I say “Don’t trust people till they prove trustworthy” …and when you trust them, they still may turn you down and then you’ll be left shocked.

I AM SHOCKED !!!

The Amusement Park, where the Roller Coaster exists!

It’s one big amusement park, with lots of games to play each day, the most unpredictable surprises and with something new passing along each single second.
Some games in this park are heaven and others are hell, and some others are just a fusion of both.

Can you see how many people there? You’re not alone. Everyone is on their own roller coasters, we can never know who’s enjoying time or being hurt more. They all seem to be playing, even those waiting on the sides.

Tickets’ value for riding roller coasters depends on who’s playing? How is he playing? And how long he’ll stay up there? But it’s usually costly and it’s never left to how much you’ve got in your pocket.If so, I would have been a billionaire!

P.S This is to avoid any misjudgments or misunderstandings. The Amusement Park scheme does not in any way contest the religious views of life and it doesn’t take God and his creation lightly. However, it’s a personal philosophy and view for things.

The Roller Coaster Rider

It’s been always easier for me to express myself by writing more than any other way. I don’t know why, but may be because I’m not in a rush to express myself, or may be because I can erase whatever I write without regrets, or may be because I don’t consider how anyone would think about what I write. May be escaping judgments or spontaneous reactions! I don’t know, and I wouldn’t really give it that much time to think it out as long as it makes me feel better and as long as I deliver my feelings and thoughts through it, not only to the person in mind, but to the whole world.

My writings, I consider to be my treasure. They’re my unspoken words, buried feelings and unconsciousness revealed. They’re my relief when I write them and inspiration when I read them from time to time.

Have been always thinking I have something wrong; being moody, crazy and emotional. Used to regret many things, used to burst out whenever and however I want to, used to show whatever I feel, used to get attached easily to things and people. But today, while writing these exact words, I’m not thinking of intentionally changing any of these things in myself. Not because I’m not seeking development, but because these are some of my traits that make me the person I am today, and the person getting all this out of herself. If I wasn’t all that, I wouldn’t have been “The Rollercoaster Rider”.

An important conclusion I realized from the frequent observations of my friends’ and people’s confusions, own struggles, thoughts and feelings ; is that it was extremely few when I found someone who doesn’t become a victim of the roller coaster at points of time. Since then, I considered life as one big amusement park with our hearts and minds as the visitors, going from one roller coaster to another. At that time, I felt relieved that even growing up and getting mature one day after the other won’t set me free from the rollercoaster swings.

What identifies my roller coaster is that "It's too fast to take a breath, and too slow to come to an end"