Locked Up

What was that happened to me? Am I just figuring out what I've been inhabited to since a time that I can't remember when?

Locked up? Locked up with all the contradictive feelings and consequently contradicting words. They're all just locked up, as if surprisingly everytime I don't find any words that can help unlocking what's locked up inside.

There comes a moment when I'm paralyzed for that moment, as if I'm a child within a mature lady figure. Despite how people around me might judge on tha state..actually, I don't really know if they'd see what I'm struggling within? Do they see my feelings of exhasution? confusion? contradictions? trials? diminished self esteem? weak soul? Is it apparent or is it me only seeing me that misrable.

Why haven't I been up to my expectations? Why have I forgotten or let me be more frank and say disregarded my promises to myself? Why haven't I answered these questions? What happened to my tongue? or is it better to ask, what happened to my mind?

Was it the locked up being triggered? Yet, still not finding a word to channel it out, to answer the questions! And how would words find their way to describe an unknown thing, or to describe a roaring sea going outburst, or to describe a dessert that's been finally raining over, or to describe the mix of the 4 seasons at the very same moment? That's the moment when paralysis take place within and silence invades the outside...leaving people to guess their own perceptions towards the only thing they see...my body language.

How can a very good 24 hours spent, end up with a young lady holding her tears from falling, holding her memories to unfold infront of her eyes and holding her expectations and dreams of being imagined and aimed for?

Any person can be unsure of what he wants and dreams of, but how can someone be so unsure of what he feels towards what already happened and signed pages of his life book?

How can a person be asked about what he feels, and the only answer received is silence...just like what's inside?

Today I've figured out that silence is not only a noun or an act, it can sometimes be a state of mind and heart as well.